Cygnus Cygnus = Singschwan

[JJ Kleber]

Cygnus cygnus (Cyg-c.) = Singschwan

Herkunft: Cyg-c; = Singschwan = Whooper Swan; Anseriformes - Anatidae; Bezug über Remedia + Helios; nach Sherr J sind die Mittel von verschiedenen Schwanarten (Cygnus cygnus Singschwan, Cygnus columbianis, Cygnus olor Höckerschwan) so ähnlich dass er nicht unterscheidet; Sherr hat geprüft Cyg-c; Fraser dagegen findet starke Unterschiede

Essenz: tief sitzender (teils lang zurückliegender) Kummer, der ständig präsent ist und einen überwältigt; Todes-Themen;

DD. Zwergschwan (Cyg-b) + Themen von spielerischer Freude und Zugehörigkeit zu einer Gruppe wie bei anderen Vögeln und den meisten Anserinae fehlen bei Cyg-c

Eingeschränkt: durch Bindung an großen Verlust (z.B. Tod von Bezugsperson)

Leitsymptome: sehr traurig, Erinnerung an alten nicht abgelösten Kummer und Enttäuschung (Erinnerung an Tod Geliebter); Stadien von Apathie und Verzweiflung (Pelican/Albatross/Taucher); Widerstreit von Wunsch zu Hause zu sein (Heimweh) und periodische Reisewünsche (den Kummer zurücklassen); fühlen sich allein + verlassen, entfernt von anderen Menschen (suchen Einsamkeit) und suchen tiefe Beziehungen (Soulmate); Waschzwang, fühlen sich schmutzig; sehr geruchsempfindlich

Pathologie: Hals + Nacken (steif, Spasmen, Zusammenschnüren, Kloßgefühl); Schwere + Trauer gefühlt im Herzen; grippale Infekte mit Augenentzündung, Schnupfen, Gliederschmerz.

Empfindungen: Einengungsgefühl in Hals + Brust; Schwere mit Wunsch zu fliegen, Empfindungen von Leere und Ausdehnung.

[Jeremy Sher]

Mind:

Sensation

Animals

Bats flying around outside, I am very interested in them, following them with my eyes. Normally I would just notice. Actually watching them. Seem to be quite focused on animals. I don’t feel very sociable.

I don’t want to communicate. Distant feeling is strong. I belong on some sort of rock, quite high up and away from people. I belong far away from other people. Not so much animals, animals are better.

Feel I do not want to or relate to or see humans.

Watching rescued abandoned snakes on TV - find myself liking them, enjoying them, communing. Don’t usually like snakes much. General affinity with animals, notice I like them a lot better than humans.

Empathising with these snakes - they’d been rescued.

Still wary of humans but not really frightened now.

Find myself watching a lot of animal programmes on TV.

Supervisor was asking me what the fear of humans and paranoia was about. It seemed to be about capturing and teasing. That humans might imprison me and prod at me for a reaction, keep me and poke at me.

Feel more human, more like myself. More motivated.

Animals are good to communicate with, humans are not.

The separation feeling has worn off but still feeling quite bad about humans. e.g. the Afghan war and kids at the school screaming obscenities - they’re not worth bothering about, better drowned at birth.

Ugly, nasty things. Humans are not worth bothering about. One child made my conscience prick but what’s the point?

Birds

While driving, I noticed birds in a different way. A huge crow had his wings outstretched and I caught sight of him as if in a moment of stillness. It was as if my brain had taken a still shot. Then I noticed a hawk that was

flying a vertically oval circle, up round and down again repeatedly. Then it headed off against the wind and I could see it struggling hard to make progress.

Some geese flew over. I suddenly noticed that as each flock flew over their shadow was projected on some trees. I found myself thinking how different shadows can be and that they don’t always reflect negative aspects.

I felt this was showing me something wonderful. This felt like a special moment.

I feel like some sort of a distant, predatory animal; a bird on a rock. Like I was sitting back from a long way away, watching. I could jump down and get food anytime or just leave it like a cat. Just want to leave it really,

don’t want to engage very much.

Watching many birds - blackbirds, wrens etc. enjoying my apples on my cooking apple tree. Liked watching them eat.

Amazing. I saw eight peacocks in a garden, near a big park. Very surprising. The birds are intense green blue coloured and this reminded me immediately of the "Queen of Cups" postcard I received few days ago.

Colours are very similar in the drawing.

Thought the silhuette of a bench was a swan.

Seeing the proving from a much bigger perspective, as if with a “bird’s eye view”. The totality includes the days preceding the date of taking the remedy.

Desire to fly, would like to be able to swoop around outside like the bats.

Feathers

Vibration. Fast, light around my whole body, very close to the physical body. I had a vision of my lungs far too low and that something was growing out of my sides. I drew a little picture of that and it looks like wings.

With my lungs so low I thought: this is good because I usually get stiff and tense in my neck but now my lungs are low which means my shoulders are lower too so there is more space between the neck and shoulders,

so no stiffness. Suddenly startled when telephone rang.

Feel as though my head is covered with long feathers.

Feel as though I’ve got some sort of ‘thing’ on top of my head, which wiggles when I move my head - feathers again? A plume?

I turned round and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was as though I had a bird’s head with long feathers round my neck.

Sensation as if laying on folded wings.

I keep seeing white fluffy feathers.

Cats

My cat was attacking me with love and attention, sniffing me, pawing at me, rolling on me, rubbing against me (never rolled on me before), patting me. Cat standing on my thigh with one front paw and this felt a weight

to me, too heavy and boring into me. Didn’t feel distant from my cat, loved him.

I was searching for some new buckles to sew on my black suede shoes and found a black velvet cat mask. I put it on. It felt wonderful.

My cat is still being lovely to me, nuzzling my right wrist, making a fuss of me.

Took a friend’s cat to the cat kennels earlier today. All the cats were talking to me.

Dogs

My dog looks like a black slug. I feel sympathetic to him. Many dogs howling and barking in the street. Wanted to join in with the dogs. How much more fun it would be to do some woofing and howling.

Lots of dogs in the park talked to me, liked me. Some licked my hand. Went on a swing in the park - it felt lovely to fly and be free.

Both my cat and dog pestered me for some chicken leg I was eating. They do not usually do that.

Walking down the street I came across a basset hound I see daily but we never approach each other. Today he was keen to talk to me and I to him. His nose touched my hand and there was an electric shock of communication between us, it was very nice, lovely. We both wanted to connect. Animals are good to communicate with, humans are not.

Insects

Noticed flies and gnats buzzing near my face. Keep catching them out of the corner of my eye. I was startled by a fly falling onto its back while I was working on a case.

A fly flew into my hair!

Caught sight of an insect flying towards my face and then veering off. I feel like I have tunnel vision, like a bird with a piercing view.

Saw a butterfly. It’s October! But the weather is very mild at the moment. I followed its path with accuracy as it swept across my path.

Hunted

Last night felt generally unwell, hunted, paranoid. Scared of the boys on the street, walked the block to avoid them.

Went for a walk to see if I felt better. After a bit I did though still frightened of people, paranoid, hunted.

I was teaching in a class with a very threatening, swearing boy with whom I was much more tolerant and patient than I would normally have been.

Definitely I feel better for occupation, better for exercise, better for movement. Desire to hide from the builders, electrician and plumber who are working for me. Feel I can’t cope. Would just like to be somewhere else

and do something else - maybe treating people in Sierra Leone or on the Afghan border or jaunting on the Continent. My life seems useless as it is. Fed up and giving up.

Prison,trapped

Better for going out, worse coming home - as if it’s a prison of my resentment.

On the beach, better for being on the seaside. Musing that beyond my prison is a huge world full of people, love, and compassion. I just need to hook into it.

Supervisor was asking me what the fear of humans and paranoia was about. It seemed to be about capturing and teasing. That humans might imprison me and prod at me for a reaction, keep me and poke at me.

Resentment and anger with self, not able to say what I feel. Panicky, trapped, as if going mad.

I felt like a “bird in a cage”.

Time passes slowly. Feel like I’ve lost my sense of humour but my friend tells me I’ve made him laugh a lot tonight Easy to feel enclosed, out of touch with the world, no vision, can’t act, no perspective.

Went on a swing in the park - it felt lovely to fly and be free.

Thinking about love and compassion and a whole Universe outside which I didn’t see from my prison usually. Step into the river and it takes you along. I was thinking of rivers and faith and flowing.

Nature

Felt I needed a lot of quiet. Walked with friend who kept talking and what with the crowds I desperately wanted silence and to merge with the beauty around. It felt distressing not to be able to do so.

Very aware of it being a beautiful autumn day, leaves are falling and the world is gently folding in on itself in readiness for winter. It feels very right that this should be so. Usually I am at odds with autumn, I see it as a time

of death and of approaching winter. I do not like it normally. The days are getting shorter and darker. Feel very at one with the season.

I was out walking enjoying the sun going down. I noticed how the sun was beautifully reflected on some clouds. I had a strong sense of just how wonderful it is to be here on earth.

Among vegetables and calendula in poly tunnel. Felt connected to restorative energy of plants in a way I had not before.

The smell of damp leaves, decaying on the grass smelled so lovely today. Earthy and rich.

Sunset

Walked up a mountain at sunset. Sad feeling. Peaceful.

There is a beautiful sunset now; another Yin experience.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, like fifteen years ago, the orange light of the sunset coming through a window sort of stopped the time flow.

Balance

Although feeling grotty this morning I had a feeling of being present with my body and what was happening. This feeling was one of being very balanced.

Something to do with balance- today I was thinking how to moderate how homoeopathy takes over our life, I was thinking how to get a life, find a balance. I think I have it under control, it comes from being quite busy

last week, having the flu my energy down, and thoughts of facing people with stories and problems.

Organised

Feeling more methodical in my tasks, not overwhelmed as is usual, able to get on with a few things at a time.

Feel well organised, not stagnant. Time is not running out as usual. Feeling light hearted, able to laugh more easily. Thinking that I do not laugh enough and how healthy it is.

I decorated every room in my mother’s house as it hadn’t been touched for 30 years. I organised the funeral, the wake, the flowers, the shopping and pieced together 11 bank accounts/stocks and shares from slips of paper

in carrier bags and cupboards around the house. I visited banks and made numerous phone calls sorting it all out. I even took my mum to buy clothes for the funeral. I check on her daily. I put into place the social worker,

home help, neighbour and mental health care team.

Clients canceling or rearranging appointments-unusual. Feels as if my practice is in chaos. (Lasted 3 weeks).

Cleaning/Dirty

Started a fruit fast, feel I need to cleanse inside.

Is feeling dirty a theme? I am not sure. I do keep feeling dirty but I am dirty - doing dirty work in a dirty place today.

Feel dirty again.

Cleaning! I don't usually do housework.

Thought its time to chuck out the old.

Had a clear out in the house.

I feel better for cleaning and tidying. Putting up pictures without anxiety about them being in right place. Liberating.

Spend the day cooking and cleaning, friends are coming for dinner.

I spent most of the day cleaning the house and sorting things out.

Very conscious of cobwebs, want to and do clear them away.

Spent all day cleaning, cleaning, cleaning: not because I felt like it but out of necessity.

I’ve been cleaning, painting and decorating from 9am-7pm. I‘m tired. I want to be outside, not cooped up. Some nice green place, some good music and some time to kick back is what I want.

My dad died and I spent all day everyday cleaning, cleaning and cleaning. My main concern is to get this flat looking decent so that when the family all come after the funeral, they wont know how it was before.

Sudden desire to completely reorganise the library in my house and to put out all the old books and things. I want to get rid of this stuff, see these things some place else. I want new room for new things on the shelves.

Strong desire for cleanliness. House looks really dirty everywhere I look.

I changed some windows. That seems to be happening a lot in the last few weeks, in girlfriend’s house, hung up a shower. Now she's going to change that window to a double glazed one. It’s about getting rid of old things

like the window and the old shower. Got rid of them and installed something new.

Pollution/poison

Feel like I am under a cloud of pollution. I can smell cleaning products everywhere. I am over sensitive to them in the house and even in the street I had to check out with my kids if they could smell chemicals (they couldn’t).

Went to bed with a muggy headache emerging.

Still smelling cleaning spray everywhere. Feel like my system is full of pollution and that my blood has become stagnant. It is an effort just to move around in my body. Yet I am not depressed, I feel peaceful but blank.

While I was in the hospital this afternoon I found the smell so offensive and stale. I felt contaminated with God knows what. I used to be a nurse, I worked with this kind of thing all the time but today I couldn’t wait to get

out of there and the first thing I did was to breathe really deeply.

Have started a de-tox diet today. Feel a desire to do this and it feels good to make a start, I want to be healthy and lose a bit of weight.

Donated a pint of blood tonight and headache eased immediately. Gave a load of my toxins away to someone else!!!

I feel poisoned. I don’t usually get such a hangover; I’m totally out of it, my head hurts and it feels like my head can’t get enough oxygen. Also my skin feels very hot.

Colours

Black & White

A friend commented that when I spoke I was using black and white language in expression, which was unfamiliar.

Much more aware of white things: clothes, light - but it must be pure.

Feel as if I would like to wear a black mask. Did wear a black raincoat with a large black hood for the walk.

Was searching for some new buckles to sew on my black suede shoes and found a black velvet cat mask. I put it on. It felt wonderful. I realized I was dressed in black velvet and very dark purple velvet.

Desire to wear soft black things - suede and velvet etc.

I am completely fascinated by black and white colours in clothing. I think it's very elegant. I am generally quite casual in clothing's choice. Since one week I'm wearing a white shirt and black jeans. I don't have to work today

so have planned to visit a few second hand clothing stores looking for a black jacket. I actually searched and tried some jackets on, even a couple of leather ones (very unusual) but I didn't get one. I had real fun.

I did some shopping in the centre, to get a black winter jacket. I want a sporty one. I didn't find one yet, but had fun trying few different things on.

Got a second pair of black shoes.

Got a black short jacket. Finally!

Strong desire to dress entirely in black functional clothing, to hide myself, fed up with feeling visible.

Blue

Removed a turquoise from around my neck. Felt that it did not belong there at this moment in time.

Put on blue socks. Colour blue stands out and strikes me.

Bluish colour- aware of greenish-sea blue

Hallway aqua blue.

At the organic market the other day I first met a painter that gave me a postcard of one of her drawings. You can see a young woman with a crown seen by profile, she is stretching out her arms and holds a cup.

The background is green. The upper part, over the woman's head is deep blue.

Red

Desire to wear red.

Bathroom wallpaper pink and sea creatures and shells.

I like colours. I would go for a bright red coat.

Distance

Distant feeling.

Feeling ‘removed’, distant from people but aware of warmth from them to me. Feel cared for.

Feel as though I’m looking at things from a distance - like down a long transparent pair of tubes, which converge almost together and which gets smaller the further they are from me. They are not impeding my vision and

they are contributing to or causing the feeling of distance.

Feel I want to move my head back on my neck and just look at the world from a distance.

Distant feeling is strong. I belong on some sort of rock, quite high up and away from people. I belong far away from other people. Not so much animals, animals are better.

Outside

Had sensation/idea, of looking at myself from a different angle, could see myself as an outsider would perceive me, normally looking form inside, this was outside in. More like your personality, the way others might

perceive you. Not self conscious, your in a different culture, a different environment. Suddenly very aware of this- of me almost as another person. Clarity about who you are, the way you are. Like an observer.

Sense of looking at myself from outside. Met a person on the street I haven’t seen for a couple of years, then I suddenly had this sensation of looking how I’m different now than I was then.

Dream, as if

Woke up from a dream, by son coming home. It was as if someone was walking around the house. I could not separate dream and reality. I was not angry with him for coming in at this moment and waking me. Straight

back to sleep.

Indoors all day, I felt in a dream, but it was O.K. Continued the next day.

Light

Again vibration. Fast, light around my whole body, very close to the physical body.

In my evening meditation I had a light, white sensation in my body, which went upward to my head and opened my crown chakra and a lot of white pieces flew out.

Feeling of not enough light. Even though the lamps haven’t changed. I want more light.

Feeling of not enough light. The lamps haven’t changed but they seem too dim. I want more light.

Restless sleep, needed lights on to go to sleep, had the bedroom door open and the hall light on, which felt nice, (very unusual), but when I woke at 4 a.m. it was too bright so closed the door.

Not enjoying the dark mornings at all. This is very unusual, I normally love the winter darkness.

Hollow

In the evening I had an unusual feeling round my heart centre (centre of my chest). It seemed a strange hollow feeling. It lasted for 5-10 minutes. I felt so tired that I had to lay down and found that I slept for 2 hours.

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling sad and unsupported. My stomach felt empty and I had a feeling of needing to fill it with something.

My lungs are empty, empty feeling in my chest especially start inhale and end of exhale.

Feel as if I am in a cave.

Conscious of upper chest and lower abdomen - kind of a gap in the middle. Earlier: was conscious of top of neck and lower abdomen only and like a gap between, also a long distance in between - insubstantial, made up of nothingness.

Woke up in the morning with a very clear image: I feel I am an oyster. Felt to be totally empty. It was not a limitation at all, but the opposite. Like being empty is the fulfilment of my goal, the end of the journey. It was the

first time in my life that I had a shape-shifting experience.

Feel flat and empty, as if let down.

Spiral

I close my eyes - heavy feeling still there - and it feels as a whirl in my head/pineal area. It goes up like a spiral and expends. Then down to my feet and up again. The “whirl spiral” was wider above my head, smaller when it

comes to the throat and neck and then wider again down to my feet. The spiral is also vibrating, the movement of the vibration goes forwards and backwards.

Still the spiral thing. The vibration is rocking me physically when I am standing still.

The spiral picture is going round and round in my mind. The vibration is connected to the coldness. It is something with the vibration just right outside the body as if …something is leaving my body - the spirit right outside - together with the spiral it is lifting up, flowing up. I experience the most intense spiral sensation at the level of my eyes in an upward motion.

Vibration: we are all in motion, each part of our body, each cell is vibrating in its own frequency. I start to have difficulties with this motion, frequency, vibration going on all the time. And feeling of being stuck in something, can’t get out of it, must stay where I am. Maybe it’s important to stick to my empty feelings.

I am going through a hole - wholeness - holiness. How long is it from total emptiness, hollowness to holy, secret, fulfilment?

Went to bed and as soon as I lay down and relaxed I felt as if my mind was floating away. Later during the night I woke and as I came to I felt as if my physical body was lying in bed but the rest of me, my mind and spirit,

was lost somewhere. I started to feel confused and then the feeling went instantly as my spirit, mind and body where back together again.

I went back to sleep. In the early hours I woke again, I again felt that my mind and spirit were lost somewhere, as they weren’t with my physical body. It was as if I was in three, my physical body was lying in bed, my thinking

mind was observing from behind and just above my physical head and my spirit was somewhere off to the right up near the ceiling, probably on a line with my knees. The three came back together quickly when my son called

out as he had had a nightmare.

Watching TV. Out of the corner of my eye the fireplace appeared to move up and down the wall! Afraid to look in case it was in a different place.

Sensation of pulling to the left and light-headed. Lasted a couple of minutes.

When I drive things appear more to the left than they really are. As if they are displaced for a moment so I see them twice: first at the left side of where they really are and then where they are, this confuses me a lot. I think

this is more so when it comes to high buildings.

Sitting in the car-stationary - but felt as if the car was going backwards.

I have still the sensation of my lungs and shoulders placed further down than usual. It makes me feel good and relaxed.

Tall

Sensation of feeling tall. It seems a long way to the ground. Stayed throughout first two weeks. Wondered if remedy to do with spine.

Feel elongated, tall (I’m sitting down) as though my neck is very long. Sitting, sighing, swiveling my head around from left to right and back to centre.

Started Pilates. Stretching tall felt fantastic. I look tall and graceful.

Felt rather insignificant and small.

I feel fat today, my jeans are tight even though I’ve hardly eaten much this past few days. My toes look fat and squat.

Sensation of expansion, as if the boundaries of my body were much farther than the real ones.

Parallel

Feel as if I am swimming in a different stream beside the main stream, and it cannot merge with the other.

Heard a play on the radio about how events are seen to have a starting point but can actually be traced back to limitless earlier events. A girl meets her future boyfriend when she puts a foreign coin in a jukebox which causes

it to play the wrong song. He likes that particular song and comes over to talk about it to her. She had always thought the event of their meeting started in the café. In the play, she realises that her meeting was actually due to receiving the coin several weeks beforehand. This felt like a great revelation to me because I have felt that this remedy has a continuity that preceded it. My proving symptoms began 10 days before taking the remedy.

When I heard this play, I had to the stop the car and pull over because I was so amazed by this parallel concept.

By the afternoon still feeling low and grotty and lethargic. Feeling strange at times. I saw a man gardening - he seemed detached from me and in a different world. It seemed like parallel worlds.

Amazed by all the straight lines in the airport. All the planes were the same, Lufthansa, all parked at the same angle and parallel to each other. Had to walk in an endless straight line to get my connection. Very odd. Here in Venice there is water everywhere, which immediately fits in with me, but I am very surprised at the straight lines here too. The Italian atmosphere is curved.

Number 3

The number three has figured a lot in the proving: three sneezes, three eggs, three pieces of toast, three grapes, three hot chocolates, three polyps, waking between three and four a.m. and an enhanced appreciation of the

wonderful connection between Mind, Body and Spirit. Ideas came into my head about how I could become more connected with nature. I felt drawn to the idea of celebrating the seasons and the passing of the years in a more spiritual way. I found myself, one day, at my computer searching for Paganism on the Internet and not finding much there I went to an alternative bookshop and bought ‘Pagan Pathways a Guide to Ancient Earth Traditions’.

During the preparation of the meal I arranged three grape halves on top of the dessert in a trefoil shape, and put three eggs on to hard boil and arranged three egg halves on each plate in a trefoil shape. I have never done this

before; I have always used two halves. I am sure that I have been naturally inclined to use even numbers before.

I went back to sleep. In the early hours I woke again, I again felt that my mind and spirit were lost somewhere, as they weren’t with my physical body. It was as if I was in three, my physical body was lying in bed, my thinking

mind was observing from behind and just above my physical head and my spirit was somewhere off to the right up near the ceiling, probably on a line with my knees. The three came back together quickly when my son called

out as he had had a nightmare.

Hair/Nails

I realised that all since last week, I have had a desire to have my hair up in a beehive hair do, piled high on my head - lots of back combing! I’ve never had this before.

Desire to have hair cut.

I want to cut my hair off. Overload!

Had a strong urge to get my hair cut, this is most unusual but once I had decided I needed to find somewhere to cut it today. Made an appointment for later.

Strong desire to cut all my hair off.

Strong desire to cut fingernails very short, did so and it felt good. (Very unusual, usually hate having short nails because I feel blunt and handicapped.)

Miscellaneous

At the beginning of the proving I had a dream about doing a crossword puzzle, and as the days went by I became more and more obsessed with actually doing crosswords. I have always enjoyed doing them but in the proving I

was taking it to extremes. I looked through old newspapers for unfinished ones that I tried to complete and even bought some books of crosswords, which I have never done before.

The name The Scarlet Pimpernel keeps cropping up and it seems just like this remedy in terms of the pains and itches, which are here, there and everywhere - elusive, changing place quickly.

I have this image in the meantime: I am in a class - all males - all these collegues are more athletic and muscular than me. Huge biceps. We are all tattooed on our right bicep.

Emotion

Abandoned, lonely

Feeling sad and lonely.

Phoned Supervisor. Discovered JS is away. Feels as though my ‘Daddy’ is not around when I might need him.

Had aura soma reading and treatment in the afternoon. Felt incredibly sleepy during it, hardly heard anything she said. Very aware of discomfort in my solar plexus, nervous anxious feeling. I was finding it difficult to take

deep breaths, finding my lungs would judder at a certain point of inspiration. A deep sadness came up from letters that I had recently found that my father wrote for me after my parents divorced. I had forgotten how he was

there for me then. During the treatment, I cried and it was painful to see that love had been there at the time when, looking back, I felt I was unloved. After reading I had dinner with a friend and felt happy and lifted.

Whilst driving in the rain I kept thinking I could hear sirens. There weren’t any. Felt pretty grim today - Sunday - low, lonely, unloved, unlikable to some extent. Once I went out to do something I felt better. So, for me, this remedy is very definitely ameliorated by occupation.

Heavy, limp feeling in body, sad and lonely. Feel frozen, don’t want to do anything at all.

Woke this morning with a strong feeling of sadness and loneliness. Felt like I wanted to cry. (Eyes sore and red especially the right.)

I was woken in the night with a very deep feeling of sadness and loneliness. This felt extremely deep. I don’t recall feeling this with such depth before.

Woke with a very heavy heart this morning. Feel very sad. Feel as if there is a big hole in my chest. Feel sad for myself and my loneliness. Feel as if I have lost all hope of ever having my life partner. Feel as if my desire for

a soul mate is a fantasy and for some reason I can’t bridge the gap between fantasy and reality.

Very tearful all day. Brief outbursts of deep pain and tears. Feel as if I’ve been sad about my aloneness all of my life. Never finding anyone to relax with and trust in. My chest is full of tears.

Felt very isolated today whilst in a museum. My family all disappeared and I felt abandoned. Sat feeling very sad, withdrawn and alone for a while, felt myself sinking into my misery, then very uncharacteristically I realised

that all I had to do was go and find them. When I did so I felt much better, much more talkative than I have done for a couple of days and really engaged with my family in a different way. Realise now that I have been

withdrawing over the past 36 hours or so but feel as if I pulled myself up and out of it.

Real feeling of sadness and rejection - tried to talk myself out of it - came from inside me and don’t know where from. Tune through head - ‘when I was a little girl I had a rag doll’ - it went through again and again.

I was going back to being very young, maybe 4-5 years old.

Grief

Sadness

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling sad and unsupported. My stomach felt empty and I had a feeling of needing to fill it with something.

Woke and there was a big wave of sadness enveloping/going through me. Total sadness. Rapid, shallow breathing. I didn't want to know what it was about. Frightening. Quickly went back to sleep. Felt it in my chest.

Sadness, trying to fight it off. I don’t want it.

Feel heavy and sad.

Grief from death

Feel a deep aloneness, which has been building up all week. It is as if I will never see anyone again. There is a slight death wish, which I find alarming. How can I continue my life for the next 40 years.

Not communicating well with son. Feel lonely and tearful. Thought suicide might be the way out. Always say I’ll finish renovating the house then I can go away on holidays - I could extend that and die. It needs a lot of work

but I don’t have the energy.

Gardening, getting overwhelmed by massive sadness. It’s mine; it’s about me as a mother; me never having experienced the agony and the ecstasy of childbirth, of not fully/properly having the pain of labour, followed by the

joy/delight/euphoria of holding our new-born baby. I was tricked with the birth of our first daughter-Pethidine-I felt I was in a well covered in green slime. When she was born I wasn’t allowed to hold her. She was quickly taken away. I next saw her 7 hours later.

With our second daughter it was a normal delivery; but she was born prematurely, rushed into Special-care’ where she died. I NEVER EVER HELD HER. There is something inside me still crying out for that experience.

Crying and crying all the time as I write this. Tears are very freely flowing; feels as if nothing is being held back. No pain in chest afterwards. Large tears. Afterwards-stillness. Energy good, not drained.

Played a CD-Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Neil Diamond-needed to.

Crying-sadness for my daughter who died; for perceived lack of support from my husband; for lack of physical touch from him throughout the proving.

Definite sad feeling as well- as if somebody had died, somebody close to you; you feel their spirit lives on, happy about that, but they've died, so feel sad about that. Their spirit lives on, there thing in life, the energy in life

lives on within yourself. Feeling centered in the heart- feeling like a sadness and elation at the same time.

Having a shower I felt overwhelming grief for my Father, how I miss him. The grief felt more about missing him not just as a Father but as a soul. It seemed he had been here for such a short time. Just cried and cried with grief. My throat felt restricted.

Feeling grief about my Father on and off throughout the day.

Feeling emotional with grief and an accompanying lump in my throat. Yesterday one of our dogs became unwell. It made me realise that her time to leave will come at some point.

Felt grief for mother who died 3 years ago - deeper than before.

The last fourteen days have been characterised by sadness, grief, depression, exhaustion, no energy at all. A mother in our village shot herself. This unbelievable sorrow/grief of losing a mother in this way is so terrible.

Her eleven year old daughter at the funeral - shivering, shaking, jerking, crying. Her father/ the husband carrying the total grief. It was unbearable. This together with my empty, hollow and disconnected feeling was just too

much. After I gave my condolences to the family I just couldn't hold back my feelings anymore. I burst into tears, violent, shaking. And suddenly it was over again. Very rare to have such a violent outburst of emotions for such a short time - it couldn't be more than 2-3 minutes. Most of these 14 days and especially after work I was in an apathetic state. Yesterday evening I went to my Kabala group where we had a ritual that got me out of this state.

There was a lot of laughing and playfulness in the ritual. My energy is very, very much better now.

Cried, not

I have been absent from these pages as my Father died on 17th. As yet I have not shed a tear. I have the sole responsibility of sorting out the funeral, the finances (very complicated) and my confused, distraught mum.

My Dad dying is almost incidental!

I haven’t even shed a tear - no wonder I’m irritable and angry with everyone and so tired. It’s nothing to do with the proving at all. I’ve been a waste of a prover. I should have opted out.

Sad but no tears, would like to cry, imagine I would feel better if I cried.

12 o'clock felt sadness in the chest area- for no reason at all. Feeling I would like to cry. I don't normally cry very well. Sudden feeling in sternum, central. Still have that continuously discomfort in this area.

Sighing

Still sighing from time to time.

Feels as if my bubble is slowly bursting, as if my balloon is slowly going down. Sighing -deep.

Mood heavy. Some anxiety about my son. I want to cry- sadness. I’ve lost my bounce. Deep sighing.

Balloon, empty/full

Have been indoors all morning. Finally, got out at about 2 p.m. and was so pleased to be able to breathe in the fresh air. I felt light and airy, almost like a balloon! Felt stoned. Normally I find the London air stifling but today

it was soft and lovely and I took great pleasure in filling my lungs.

Woke with a very heavy heart this morning. Feel very sad. Feel as if there is a big hole in my chest. Feel sad for myself and my loneliness. Feel as if I have lost all hope of ever having my life partner. Feel as if my desire for

a soul mate is a fantasy and for some reason I can’t bridge the gap between fantasy and reality.

My chest is full of tears.

In the evening I had an unusual feeling round my heart centre (centre of my chest). It seemed a strange hollow feeling. It lasted for 5-10 minutes. I felt so tired that I had to lay down and found that I slept for 2 hours.

New awareness. No longer feel a need to hold babies, since cathartic experience at the beginning of proving. There is no longer a hunger inside me that needs to be satisfied.

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling sad and unsupported. My stomach felt empty and I had a feeling of needing to fill it with something.

Heart

Wrote a poem for the first time in years about a woman who said “I have left my heart behind” when sitting next to me on the bus! I thought it was amazing. The feeling is my heart is not in the right place.

Thoughts about trying to live life from the heart.

Feeling centered in the heart- feeling like a sadness and elation at the same time.

Anger

Deep feelings around a past time in a previous life. Feelings of absolute anger, confusion and great grief.

For the next three weeks I had flu. The emotional journey I seemed to be having over the previous three weeks i.e. deep feelings about my childhood, to feelings of death, to feelings around my birth and anger about a previous

life, I seem to experience these emotions with the flu in the reverse order that they appeared.

Love

Felt sensation of overwhelming love for everyone and mankind and opening in the heart. This is so in contrast with feelings of last week. Feel colour re-emerge into life, instead of the utterly black white severity.

When I went to kiss my son good night got tears in my eyes; I love him so much.

Old love from my youth is finished. Used to dream about him regularly, now I feel I have let go, a dream finished it off and now there are no dreams, no feelings of love left. What a relief! The nature of it was that it was never

a reality, more of a dream and a fantasy.

Fellow student said I looked ‘transformed’ and another “as though I was in love.”

Long for big unconditionally giving, loving, hugs.

Thinking about love and compassion and a whole Universe outside which I didn’t see from my prison usually. Step into the river and it takes you along. I was thinking of rivers and faith and flowing.

Yesterday I picked up my Dad’s ashes and took him for a last drink before we scattered him in the park. I had a large whisky - one for me and one for him! As we sat there - just me and him, it occurred to me that there are no

bad people in the world. Even Osama Bin Laden. The worse your human characteristics are, the greater your lesson is to learn and the further you stand to advance if you manage to overcome the ‘badness’. Our common mission

is to find Love. For someone who finds it hard to love or to show love, then if he finds love anyway, he has succeeded.If he has given genuine love, he has succeeded and if he has not but someone has loved him, not out of duty or low self esteem or other wrong reason, then he has succeeded. To look at a person as a whole, with all their faults, with whatever they lacked and to see their Soul and love them still and see the good in that person is a pure thing. Always try to see the good in a person, even likes of, and especially the likes of Bin Laden. I wonder if anyone loves him and if he loves anyone. Through Love is the way to peace - of the Soul and of the world. There are no bad people in this world - only people who lack Love.

Strong romantic fantasies and sexual urges, but was propositioned last night and not remotely interested, almost repulsed. I want the whole deal not just a quick shag. Feel as if I’m surrounded by people who want to jump on

my bones but no-one who wants to get involved with me.

Feel very sorry for myself today. Lonely. Dreaming of my soul mate.

Sad all day, sad for myself, sad for my loss of hope, sad for the lack of loving affection in my life. Feel as if I have never achieved a loving and fulfilling connection with another person yet it is everything I yearn for.

Sad about the loss of possibility.

Weeping

Feel depressed and sad. I don’t want to eat together with my colleagues, if they ask me anything I think I will cry.

Listening to beautiful, classical music made me feel extremely sad and weepy.

The only time I feel tears coming is when I hear music, but I hold them back, don’t want to crack up in front of my family.

Really sad. Weeping. I cannot connect to love feelings, there is nothing I can do. Great sensation of pressure high up in my throat. Breathing is difficult, my throat feels tight, suffocation. Hoarse.

Crying during meditation practice. Short bursts of intense sobbing.

Brushed my teeth and burst into tears - relieving of emotion - not a real crying session. The tears lasted about two minutes. I thought about the tears and realised the deep emotion which came from nowhere - dramatic - dried up quickly - came from absolutely nowhere. Felt fine afterwards, cheerful - it had gone and I cleaned the house.

Weeping. Tears feel as if they have come from the depths of my being. Brief but very intense episodes of weeping.

Very tearful all day. Brief outbursts of deep pain and tears. Feel as if I’ve been sad about my aloneness all of my life. Never finding anyone to relax with and trust in. My chest is full of tears.

Difficult day today, feeling very emotional, haven’t cried for a few days now but cried gallons of tears today. I feel like I’ve cried the tears of my whole life today.

Very irritated and upset by my children’s father today. Felt that his attitude towards me was one of disinterest and silent hostility while we were finalising childcare arrangements. When he was here I did what had to be done

and then left the room quickly. A few hours later I felt compelled to ring him and let him know how I felt. We had a long and difficult call, which upset me even more and again I was crying. Deeply, deeply upset. A friend came round for dinner and I cried on her shoulder for a while then tried to pull myself together.

Very difficult to connect with the lighter side of life. Cried again in bed at night and fairly soon after waking next morning.

Light/heavy

Very difficult to connect with the lighter side of life. Cried again in bed at night and fairly soon after waking next morning.

Despite criticism I did not dwell on it, which is unusual and felt light and spacious.

Felt happy and lifted.

Heavy, limp feeling in body, sad and lonely.

Sensitivity/ Sentimental

Nearly wept at Archers (Radio soap) new calf ‘Mother and baby doing fine’. Touched by other moving moments in Archers. Felt more open and sensitive than usual.

Nostalgia about youth sparked off by a newspaper article on shoes - could smell and taste shops I used to buy shoes in. Sense of loss.

Lovely ‘Thank You’ letter from daughter made me tearful.

Moved by comedian on radio talking about family life and surrounding children with love. More sensitive than usual.

Overwhelming compassion for an elderly uncle I visited in hospital. Touching to see him and his wife together. A new awareness of their ongoing devotion.

Nearly wept when grumpy old lady stopped to ask how I liked new house. Touched and surprised by her interest. Felt my openness and vulnerability attracted her comment.

Watching Blue Planet overwhelmed by beauty and simplicity and flow of nature. Fish know the rules, what to do, with no questioning. Our lives are cumbersome and complicated.

Wept when Yoga teacher prepared lesson especially for me - on depression. Touched that she had considered me.

Today I had somebody who was talking about a pregnancy when she was 22, she ís about 50 now, because of the circumstances in Ireland at the time she had to give her son up. She wasn't married; it would be a stigma, taboo.

She didn't tell anybody-kept the secret-not the father, family. I felt almost weepy- had to turn away because I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes, felt a bit sad. It affected me, these things don't normally. A bit sad, more sensitive now than I usually would be

Vergleich: Siehe: Aves Anhang 2

„Schwanesang“

Vorwort/Suchen Zeichen/Abkürzungen Impressum