Ixodes dammini = Deer. Tick
Vergleich: Siehe: Arthropoda + Krankheitserreger/übertrager + Parasitengruppe
[Lori Foley]
Along with mites, they constitute the subclass Acarina.
Ticks are ectoparasites (external parasites), living
by hematophagy on the blood of mammals, birds, and
sometimes reptiles and amphibians. Ticks carry a number of diseases (Lyme
disease/Q fever/Colorado tick fever/Rocky Mountain spotted fever/African tick
bite fever/tularaemia/tick-borne relapsing fever/babesiosis/ehrlichiosis/Tick
paralysis/tick-borne meningoencephalitis/bovine anaplasmosis).
Tick species are widely distributed around the world. However, they tend
to flourish more in countries with warm, humid climates, because they require a
certain amount
of moisture in the air in order to undergo metamorphosis, and because
low temperatures inhibit their development from egg to larva. Ticks of domestic
animals are especially common and varied in tropical countries, where they
cause considerable harm to livestock by transmission of many species of
pathogens and also causing direct parasitic damage.
For an ecosystem to support ticks, it must satisfy two requirements:
there must be a high enough population density of host species in the area, and
there must be high enough
humidity for ticks to remain hydrated. Certain features of a given
micro-climate -such as sandy soil, hardwood trees, rivers, and the presence of
deer- are good predictors of
dense tick populations.
Anatomy
Ticks, like mites, have bodies which are divided into two primary
sections: the anterior capitulum (or gnathosoma), which contains the head and mouthparts; and
the posterior
idiosoma which contains the legs, digestive
tract, and reproductive organs.
Ticks satisfy all of their nutritional requirements on a diet of blood,
a practice known as hematophagy. They extract the
blood by cutting a hole in the host's epidermis, into
which they insert their hypostome, likely keeping the blood from clotting by
excreting an anticoagulant.
Like all arachnids, ticks have eight legs. The tarsus of leg I contains
a unique sensory organ known as the Haller's organ which can detect odors and chemicals emanating from
the host, as well as sensing changes in temperature and air currents
Life Cycle
Both ixodid and argasid
ticks undergo three primary stages of development: larval, nymphal,
and adult. Ixodid ticks require three hosts, and their
life cycle takes at least one
year to complete.
Up to 3.000 eggs are laid on the ground by an adult female tick. When
larvae emerge, they feed primarily on small mammals and birds. After feeding,
they detach from their
host and molt to nymphs on the ground, which
then feed on larger hosts and molt to adults.
Female adults attach to larger hosts, feed, and lay eggs, while males
feed very little and occupy larger hosts primarily for mating
Ixodes Dammini
Remedy Overview
• Spider-like energy (activity, performance, power/powerlessness,
aggression)
• Parasitic themes (something taken forcibly from something else)
Ixodes will exhibit the same power and
powerless themes seen in spider remedies (Power and powerless). On the power
side, the force is more than just restrictive, it is dominant (Overwhelming
power) and suppressive (Submission). It can be projected into the world as the
all-powerful force of large business and industry or projected as an evil
supernatural force.
Either way it is something to both fear and to feel powerless in
relation to. The issue within tick is both the dependency and powerlessness in
relation to others. The entity with the power is parasitic, meaning it does not
respect boundaries (self-interest). It crosses into the other’s space without
permission (Crossing boundaries) to take something which is not theirs
(Stealing). The invasion is secretive and hidden (Secretive) and therefore
others are not easily trusted (Suspicious). There is a certain paranoia that
the other is seeking to infiltrate your space and take what is yours. Within
the proving, relationships were broken
through the efforts of people in authority positions and affairs occurred
within marital relationships.
Ixodes will feel powerless, helpless and
weak. Their defense is will be to submit, to escape,
or to be aggressive (to bite). They will attempt to bond and connect with the
one who can protect them, creating a dependency. They will have great fear
around loosing this connection. The loss of this relationship is an issue of
survival for them. Here they will commonly feel forsaken and alone. Their
forsakenness is a particularly dark and empty experience. They will often turn
to addictive behaviors to avoid the emptiness. For Ixodes the dark side will have despair and hopelessness.
Life will seem insurmountable,
and their capabilities small and weak. They can be suicidal, although
that didn’t specifically come out in the proving, it has been seen in cases.
They are plagued with fears and nightmares of ghastly torture and evil being
done to helpless victims. In the dreams they try to protect and save the others
(essentially saving themselves) but are ineffective. In one dream, the dreamer
sees people lying on the sidewalk wrapped like papooses (restrictive, like
paralyzed victims) and are unable to get to them to protect them from falling
debris from a bomb. There were many dreams and imagery of war and bombing.
War might represent the struggle within them, the struggle for power
against overwhelming forces. Bombs represent sudden surprising
destruction/death as do heart attacks.
It would be expected to see a victim-like mentality, where all of life
is imposing on them. All of life is consuming and sucking them dry. They could
easily be victims of abuse (sexual). They will have as active sex drive, like
most spiders, but given their dependency pattern of behavior
they would tend to get stuck in abusive situations.
Ixodes will have the restless and
impulsiveness found in spiders. Therefore, it is also torturous for them to
feel blocked or restricted. You would expect that in their life, whatever force
has power, would be perceived as “blocking” them. It is interesting that the
major symptom of Lymes disease is pain in the joints
which serves to restrict movement. There is great sensitivity to the feeling of
being paralyzed with dreams of disabled people. For them it is ameliorating to
feel that things are moving or flowing. There are many references to water
imagery and dreams near rivers. Water represents the movement they desire.
Interestingly, many people also made reference to ice, the frozen or blocked
form of water. As a tick feeds, it grows fat and the resulting sensation is one
of tightness and restriction, which is similarly uncomfortable for them. Many provers found themselves both ravenously hungry as well as
easily sated once they felt the least bit full.
Ixodes has the mental fog found in cases
of Lymes disease. They may be industrious when clear,
or dull and apathetic when feeling unclear. They can be forgetful and make
mistakes easily. You would expect to see this for a good constitutional case.
Ixodes has a detached sensation, “As if
there is a barrier between them and others” In this, they feel separate from
others. This can lend support to their forsaken experience. It also creates a
“floating” and “spacey” sensation. The floating is also the brain fog they
experience. The tick itself will attach and detach from hosts through its life
cycle. In life, you could see a person who needs this remedy doing the same
with partners and friends. During the proving, people broke off relationships
as well as getting paranoid about holding on to relationships they felt
dependent on. It’s in this “detached” experience that they loose their
orientation and can experience the “floating.” Life becomes what they can hold
on to. In one dream, someone came in and stole all their favorite
objects, leaving behind their money. Life for them is about attachments,
attachments to their reputation, to their possessions, to their relationships.
Any loss creates sadness and despair. They fear loss and suffer from much
anxiety in anticipation of something happening.
They crave the good opinion of others because desire both recognition and
acceptance. In favorable circumstances, they can be
haughty and condescending. Money, wealth and status can be important to them.
Thoughts and concerns about money were seen in the proving.
They are sensitive to greed and self-interest. Within them is hidden
self-loathing and disgust.
Inside they can feel repulsive like a leper as well as tiny and
child-like. They can have many experiences where they find themselves rejected
by others.
Their anger is hot and aggressive. However, it is not likely that they
would show this to the person in power, more likely to ones that they have
power over, like the cat. Several people had dreams of cats and anger towards
cats. They could be violent, and often self-destructive with their anger. If
someone hurts them they might strike back impulsively and likely feel regret at
the potential loss of the relationship afterwards.
Ixodes will have sudden mood swings, from
apathy and dullness to excitement and enjoyment.
It would easily present as bi-polar behavior.
They can love dancing like spiders and being active. Both master provers began walking long distance (15-20 miles a day)
when they worked on the proving. They can also sink easily into apathy and
ennui, loosing all motivation.
They are also reactive emotionally and sensitive environmentally to
noises and crowds. In times of stress they might isolate themselves, hide.
Ticks will look for shady and more hidden parts in which to attach to a host.
They will be full of fears and anxiety. In their restlessness is the
need to move as well as the generalized anxiety in anticipation of something
horrible happening. They have fears of sudden death, like in a heart attack.
They have fears of deadly diseases like cancer and diseases that might
incapacitate them (handicap). They have fears in the dark that are better when
not alone.
They have fears of evil and delusions of evil around them. They will
fear someone coming into their home (Crossing boundaries) and harming, raping
or killing, them. They can be suspicious of entities/organization with power.
As a defensive, they will be secretive, hiding their private and vulnerable
parts.
Mental Themes
Power and Powerless
Overwhelming Power, “This power consumes people,” “He is Wal-Mart”
• (Dream) Some silent magical power that was intrusive and overwhelming.
An unknown magic that I did not understand. (10)
• This world power, it can kill people, it can envelope people, just
consume people. Just takes people's souls. Makes them soulless. Makes us
drones. Makes us unable to fight. This power or force, we cannot allow that to
live. (5)
• Evil. The evil that contaminates the world. So big and so powerful. We
are alone. He is Wal-Mart. He can do anything. Massive power of evil. (5)
• (About Dream) Overwhelming presence, the male teacher was. He was
trying to get with me sexually. I was not into that. He was so powerful. He had
advisors. People close to him were his bodyguards. It was such a sexual feeling
I got from him. I was this young playboy. I was extremely uncomfortable. It
reminded me of this time I had this real feeling about this guy I knew years
ago. He was there and manipulative. Using his presence to manipulate me. (5)
• It is someone having a spell over someone, like control over someone.
In that dream the woman put a spell over the owner of the salon. It was so
frustrating, she was injecting her poison and it was devastating (6)
• It's not that I look at the yoga teacher as a whip cracker or slave
driver... It's not Nazi yoga. But I tend to conform, do what's expected, do it
well, be good then get resentful because I can't do it as well as I want. (9)
• I want to kick him, throw him against a wall, hit him, smash him down,
into submission, into blind obedience to what we want him to do. (4)
• The essence of this substance is about exposing powerful feelings,
recognizing them, and having the courage to release them. I have felt strong
emotional power that has taken on the form of a lump or ball which is stuck
somewhere between my solar plexus and throat. One fear that remains is - what
will happen when I allow the power out into the open. It is like taking up a
sword. Do I have the wisdom and discipline to wield it with love? (10)
Powerless, “It holds you in place” “Powerless to escape”
• Thinking about being a small child and having the mumps. A lot of
pain. There's nothing you can do about it.
Helplessness.
When will this end. Apprehension. There is nothing you can do to stop
this, this is just what happens to you. (12)
• I feel like everyone is telling me what to do - employees, clients,
friends, husband. (108)
• The scenes of being experimented on caught my imagination wondering
how does one traverse such an experience? ... what would it be like to be
"tortured" and be powerless to escape. (4)
• I have about had it with this proving. I am tired of being at the
service of a greater cause, sublimating my needs or desires for the sake of
something or someone else....
Powerless, totally not in control, submissive, forced into being
submissive. (4)
• This was another instance of feeling powerless. As if the whole world
and everyone in it is against me. (10)
• That [kind] of power is like you swim in oceans of it. .. It holds you
in place. You are under it. It can do anything it wants and send anyone after
you. (5)
• (Dream) One of the gay men whose wedding reception I was just at what
trying to have sex with me, but then was impotent at the crucial moment. (8)
• Invisible is a key word for me. Angry is now you are going to see me
because you weren't paying attention. (7)
• (Dream) I begin crying hysterically in my dream just like the night
before the proving started. I try to get the Master Prover
to see that this is a symptom, but I am told "This just your remedy
state." I am so frustrated. How can I make them hear me?!
This is important and nobody is listening to me! I feel ignored,
scorned, held in contempt.
I wake sitting up in bed with nausea, cold sweat, palpitations, and
stabbing chest pain. (109)
Submission, “Torture only comes from resisting it,” “You are just under
it”
• Not screaming denial, but almost calm or peace with it. Relief because
worst already happened, nothing can get worse. Torture only comes from
resisting it...saying "I'm not crazy, I don't want to be here." If
you accept it, just fine. Stop fighting it. (6)
• Under it? It's like a giant concrete massive structure coming down on
your shoulders, crushing you.
Crushing everything.
What do you do? You are just under it. (5)
• Subdued implies there is something there being subdued. It is more
than just dull or uninteresting. It is keeping something down, something
hidden. Maybe just trying to hide the dullness. (9)
Blocked versus Flowing
Blocked, “Like your arms are encased”
• Tension, tight, like a fish clenching (I keep making a fist), not
loose. Like a tight wire. (6)
• It hurts. It is like the feeling, like in your muscles when the lactic
acid stays there. You need it to go and flow and release and recycle (HG flow)
(1)
• All of the sudden, it gets stuck.
Vital Force swaying and getting stuck and it flows again!! (1)
• Watching all these logs falling down into this river, getting tangled
up in a dam, blocked up, locked up, and
yet the water flows around them and through them. A log jam... Water rushing
and this stuckness. Rushing and being stuck at
the same time. Motion and not motion. Two extremes happening at the same time.
Everything is stuck and moving. (2)
• Like something is happening in my heart. It is like a band tied around
arm that didn't get blood flow and the arm isn't nourished with blood.
When you take band off, life force can flow into it again... Before it
was tight and everything was in my mind. A process of consciously relaxing and
allowing life force to circulate more. (6)
• I am laying in my bed thinking about the pain in my hip. It's like I
have a blocked energy spot there. The energy can't flow through my right hip.
(7)
• Images of my mother when she was young, she is fat and unhappy. She's
just hanging on to this fat. No way to let it go, process it move it through .
You get that build up, it just finds a place to hold on, to stay, a story, fat,
a place to hang out. It's numbing, it weighs you down, I store so much and I
cannot let go. (11)
• Like if you were wearing gloves that go down to your elbows. Like your
arms are encased ... I've been feeling like I am in an old suit that does n't quiet fit anymore, and it is uncomfortable. (12)
• It's blocked. Get out of the fucking way! Just as I said this, the
energy of that picture is coming in my body and expanding out, it feels good.
It feels calm, peaceful. (12)
• Confined, working in a cubicle, straight jacket, stuck in traffic,
blocked, being in an MRI machine. You want to move but you can't. The only movement
you can have is the internal sense
inside of moving. (12)
“Thickening,” Paralyzed, “it came into form from the energy that gets
stuck”
• A mass without substance, a thickening, this is different than how I
would consider thickening. (2)
• You have a tumor. Where did it come from? No
one put the tumor in you. It came into form from the
energy that gets stuck. It’s so heavy and dense. If you can break it up, to
free it, and recycle it into whatever it’s going to be, who knows, part will be
blood, tissue, it’s going to go away. (1)
• Inside this circle,...like a build up of something in a vein.
Something that isn't supposed to be there, like a clogged vein or something.
(11)
• (Dream) I couldn't express. I couldn't warn everyone. My voice would
not come out. I could barely move. (5)
• You are in so much mental pain that it totally paralyzes you to your
core... This is very strange, I do not actually feel paralyzed, but I have the
idea, is this what it is like to be paralyzed from the waist up, you want to
move and you can't. It is that kind of idea, paralysis. There is no sensation,
numbness. (12)
• (Dream) I am on an organized trip, there is a very handicapped woman
coming with.. (4)
• (Dream) I had a dream that I was in a wheelchair, and lived somewhere
in Asia. My Dad was pushing me around,... Life seemed to revolve around how to
live with my disability. (5)
• (Dream) We were at the Hawaii airport,... my partner and I were
offered seats as long as we supervised a disabled passenger. (5)
• This is very strange, I do not actually feel paralyzed, but I have the
idea, is this what it is like to be paralyzed from the waist up, you want to
move and you can't. ... Sadness, for all of the paralyzed people in the world.
(12) Transform, “one tiny little thing can totally change something”
• Like a microbe holding all of this energy. Round, little round fish
eggs, in a membrane, but don't underestimate how powerful it is. It might be
small, but it could destroy you, if becomes too much.
Too much of anything isn't good. Destruction, like anthrax, so tiny, yet
so, so deadly, without warning, without knowing what you are up against, it
feels very dangerous. It is not a bad thing
out in the world, its just this powerful tiny force. (11)
• And I am starting to understand how something can start to change,
develop, transform, before the physical or more material signs manifest. (4)
• This concept that one tiny little thing can totally change something
is like holy cow! Really? One little thing sets something into motion. Changes
the entire course of life... That whole transitioning thing was in my head,
transform into something different. (1)
• I also find escape in movies, reading, fantasy, books, escape,
appealing and how good guys could win, ability to change the world (5)
Expansive, Flowing, Stretching, “I want to move into the wide open”
• It feels like so much movement is happening in my life. Got a new job,
buying a new house, kids going to school, so many new starts. Feels like energy
is really flowing. I feel excited. (6)
• I want to get up and stretch. (11)
• Opening up, being more free, letting in more. Not sure what that is.
Not being closed and guarded and protective. Like the spider thing protective.
Being open, breathing in. Stretching out. (HG stretch out) (1)
• I want to be free to explore the world and move towards the things
that feel good to me. I need freedom to do that! I can't get tied down by
anyone and have to hold myself back for them. I want to move into the wide open.
(7)
• A feeling of wanting to be open, this is more on the physical, to have
my body open up more, when you see a butterfly with it's wings together,
sitting on a flower, opening up it's wings, a feeling of expansion and opening.
Wanting to spread things out, create space and stretch. (2)
• In yoga last night the poses felt very luxurious and also had an
expansion, a filling-in that gave a similar sensation of suspension, of easy
lengthening that was devoid of effort or struggle. (4)
Water and Ice Imagery, “the ice cube going from ice to a puddle,” dreams
of water
• I need to get to Seattle where there is more flowing water. It’s fun- whooo! Floating down a river. Whooo!
(HG dancing arms, open). Floating on a lake, floating, (1)
• When I took the remedy out of the mailbox, I felt a feeling like cool
water flowing down over me from head to toe. It was a relief feeling, I felt
lighter. (7)
• The ice slabs, there is momentum but they cannot go or move. (12)
• (Dream) I had glimpses of ice caves or caverns, like where you might
live if you had to in the frozen tundra (5)
• All I’m picturing is the ice cube going from ice to a puddle. It’s
expansive. Whoosh! (HG: arms out) Expanding. Want to stretch as far as I can.
It’s like a release. It’s just, whoosh (HG arms apart, swinging apart)! (1)
• (Dream) To get to my car, I had to cross what looked like a small
creek with a bridge, but as I took what looked like a sensible route, I could
not cross easily. I was having to balance and climb around walls that dropped off
into a rushing body of water that felt more like a lock and dam. There were
bridges with ropes holding things together and concrete walls with metal posts
I could barely stand on for balance. Halfway into crossing, it felt like a very
bad idea, like I should have gone out a different door, but there was no going
back. (2)
• I see streams...water hitting the stones or a boulder in a stream.
(12)
• (Dream) The far room opens onto wide-open sand dunes, and a river to
one side and perhaps under the house, which is built of stone, into the cliff.
(4)
• (Dream) I was leisurely in a river with my boy friend. (13)
• (Dream) I was with a bunch of people and we were trying to cross a
river. It was flooded and dangerous. We couldn't use the bridge for some
reason, even though it seems like one
was near us. It felt like I was in charge, but didn't want to be
responsible for all those people. (106)
Restless
Restless, Hurry, “I am antsy, restless, want to move on,” “a hurried
feeling inside”
• I had so much anxiety I wanted to scream!! (107)
• I’m a little restless right now. I don’t want to sit still. I want to
move it around. Move the energy around. Don’t contain it, let it flow, let it
be free, let it flow. (1)
• Feel like I am rushing about on the inside, but externally, I am not
rushing. There is a hurried feeling inside of me. There is a strong contrast
here. (2)
• Have had higher tolerance of things like my son's jumping around like Tigger (8)
• I feel like bouncy joints. They aren’t stiff and sore. I’m bouncy.
Flexible. Springy. Like a spring. I’m thinking of Tigger.
Like Tigger (From Winnie
the Pooh) Do, do, do (singing, jazz-like,
spontaneous). (1)
• I get antsy, restless, want to move on. (4)
• Extreme restlessness, unable to concentrate. I almost want to scream,
or to lie down and go to sleep. I feel tense, agitated, wanting to be present
and focus, but struggling to. (5)
• Tightness in upper body, nervous stomach like butterflies where you
think you need to go to bathroom but don't. Too much energy I need to burn off.
My body wants to move a lot. Like run
or be outside and do heavy physical work. (8)
• Everything is from sternum up, everything waist down is calm.
Everything above is crawling, itchy, heavy. (12)
• The time went too fast for me. Not enough space or time to integrate,
to assimilate. Am I slower than I think, or am I just lacking enough energy to
stay more speedy, more active. (4)
Impulsive, “impulses to jump in front of the light rail”
• Strange desire to pull the emergency-brake while driving, and make the
car “drift,” or spin. I felt like I would grab the emergency-brake and do it
involuntarily, and I had to intentionally
concentrate to not do that. (5)
• I have also had impulses to jump in front of the light rail train when
it comes, not that I would do it, but I've really felt the impulse, that
closeness to death. I think this goes along with some
of the impulses to hit something while driving that I had earlier in the
proving. (5)
• I want to be quiet, but I hear myself talking. I want to just shut-up
but I cannot. This out-of-control talking feels just like the hysterics a few
nights a go. Very disconcerting. Intense. (108)
Industrious
• Excited to get to some tasks I have been putting off. Today is the day
to move forward! (4)
• I have monumental tasks in front of me. But felt very industrious,
been typing my notes in order, new year rebirth time great start. (5)
• Feel like whatever I'm doing in world is charged with more momentum no
matter what it is. (6)
Relaxed, “I do not feel the urgency”
• I am less quick to act on tasks. I'm usually the first one on the
block to shovel my walk and driveway. I do not feel the urgency. (2)
• Unlike these past days, I do not feel so rushed. I feel more content
than I have in awhile, just to sit still and be quiet. I especially like the
quiet. Feeling calm inside. Calm like water and
open space. Calm like going with the flow. (2)
• This is a welcome relief, as usually I am constantly overwhelmed by all
I see around me that needs doing, addressing. I am experiencing a deep peace, a
settled, simple state of existence. (3)
Detached, Floating
Floating = detached = cold, numb, Floating = no focus
Detached, “I feel like there is a glass barrier between myself and
others”
• Tension in household. I’ve been much more detached. This has happened
a couple of times. I’m not plugging into it as much. I am much more detached
from it (1)
• It detaches from it’s whole self. Detaches from whatever it’s attached
to in your body. It detaches from that, then it like just falls apart. (1)
• I feel sort of detached. In a way that I find my self feeling
surprised when I make what feels like a mutual connection with another human. I
realize that mostly, even when I'm with people,
I don't feel connected. (2)
• I feel like there's a glass barrier between myself and others, but the
glass is so crystal clean that it is only recognized when it gets touched. (2)
• Over group dinner, started feeling very disconnected and separate from
the group. (3)
• I am having difficulty connecting to this proving. Nothing is
happening. (9)
• I am uncomfortable that I feel no compassion for prover
and her husband and their situation. Maybe a detached curiosity at the most. I
feel hard-hearted and cold. Very closed-off (108)
• (Dream) I feel detached from the whole thing, viewing it at a
distance. Not mine to play out (4)
“It’s a free floating”,
“I am going to a place of no gravity”
• A constant motion, a feeling of something brushing up against me and a
dizziness that comes into me, a swirling in and around it...Something about it
feels very light headed. I lose direction.
Am I standing up or lying down or am I upside down or sideways? Like
changing directions slowly. Everything else around me moves faster and slower.
I am going into a place of no gravity. (2)
• It is free floating. A kind of buoyancy or sort of... A feeling of
being on a tire swing, that twirls up, you are curled up in a ball, if you are
curled up in a ball you will spin really fast, to prevent
this you spread out, the feeling remains soft and fluid. (2)
• Spacy, feel floating, Not unpleasant, but
who cares... Not depressed, just feeling of outer space... When detached and
floating, see bigger picture but cold and numb. (6)
• (Dream) Here I am at sea in a small boat all by myself. The women are
now swirling entities in the fog. I am drifting, yet I feel in control and
powerful. I am in myself. (10)
• I slid down a hill and hit a snow bank today. All day after that, my
car felt like it was floating. I kept feeling it shift under me and I couldn't
stay focused. I felt calm, not scared, but it was as if
I couldn't really feel myself, my car, or the road underneath it. (106)
• I feel so heavy, but the heaviness seems to add stability to my mind.
I feel more stable. (7)
Ennui, Apathy, Dullness,
“I don’t even care”
• At this point I do not feel much love for anything or anyone, although
I perform as if I do. (10)
• I hate the word "dull" I have a history with that word. I think
of myself as dull and boring. (9)
• Wow, feeling sort of been there done that about everything. Ennui.
Seen it all. Working on a handout but hard to really focus in and know what I
want to say. Feeling foggy and undisciplined.
Unmotivated. (3)
• Nothing to look forward to. Dull and cold out ... So much to do and I
don't even care. (6)
• Today I did nothing except watch TV and surf the internet. I just
wanted to be totally detached from life and its activities. I have no feelings
today. (10)
• This reminds me of those people who were buried alive, but they were
not dead. There is a paralysis that is like not living, not being fully alive,
just going through the motions. (12)
• Sense of hurry to get everything done, but underneath, I kind of don't
really care. (103)
Isolating, “Just sort of had-it-with-humanity”
• All I want to do is lay on the couch and isolate, I have no desire to
communicate with people, especially my family (103)
• Feeling slightly distracted and disconnected though. Overall still in
similar place as past few days. Not really down, just sort of
had-it-with-humanity. (3)
• I've felt to stay in today. It feels so good to be alone, away from
people and public places. Other than shoveling
6" of snow, I have not left the house. I stayed in my pajamas
until
dinnertime. (2)
• I don't want to interact, I don't want to be receptive, listening,
interested in “the other”. I want to stay home and do my study, my work alone.
(4)
Parasitic relationships, Dependency, Boundaries
Parasitic relationship, “You suck people’s life out of them”
• Attached, parasitic. Taking from something in order to like live. It’s
staying there because it’s being able to feed off of it. If it no longer...
...I don’t know? Does it no longer get it’s supply?
It’s not getting fed...emotional pattern. It’s not getting whatever it
was getting. It depends on where it is in the body... (1)
• This is my life, the other gets the enjoyment and I'm the provider and
don't get it. (8)
• Feeding off of? You suck people's life out of them. You consume. The
consumption. You need to feed off of them. You are feeding off of life force.
(5)
• Stuck there in bed with me, having to put up with me bringing in this
infectious, festering colony of bacteria or virus that might grow and take over
and infect him as well. (4)
• [Thinking] on these two words feeds the ball or lump and makes it grow
bigger. (10)
• [During proving] I started working in a Fertility Clinic; I draw
blood. I love seeing the blood fill the tube. (6)
• This overarching shadow poisoning the system. This heavy cloud of
black energy. The poisons just seep in and devastate...
The poison is like a mist or a poisonous gas that is injected, filling
up every empty space, it curls around, like little Smokey wispy fingers
grabbing. (6)
• Eating is such a chore. If you're an animal that eats once a week,
have to gear self up to do it. Big chore. Not natural. Eating is fine when I’m
eating, but the thoughts up to eating, get ready to do
something big. (6)
Self interest, “someone who only cares about themselves”
• Like something to which you give and give, but it is never satisfied.
Like a person who only thinks of themselves, never appreciating others or
seeing how they may be imposing.
I felt like saying, "Back off! You have taken enough from me and my
family, stop being so greedy!" Like what a jerk the proving is, like a
person you would call an asshole...(6)
• (Dream) My mom picked me up even though the place I was giving the
talk was only a few blocks from our house (I was younger, still at home). And
she made me pay the $50 for parking.
I was furious and told her I hated her and had always hated her. (3)
• Bloating, heaviness, the image of super heavy calves. Fish eggs are
fatty. (11)
Crossing Boundaries
• (Dream) I then became uncomfortable because she was making footprints
in all the private walks of these houses, and it felt like she was crossing
boundaries. (2)
• He's anxious, he talks about my breasts constantly, I feel smothered
by him. This is why we broke up two weeks ago. But we're still hanging out,
there is still a connection. (7)
• (Dream) Dreamt I was on top floor of a three-story house and had
forgotten to lock main door. Cat woke me up and there was a noise, we went
downstairs (cat in my arms) and saw door open
but two people running away. Locked door. And checked all doors. (3)
• (Dream) There is a kid there who starts to touch all my stuff, bother
me. I try to be nice but he is really irritating me. The mother leaves him
alone with me while she goes to get more stuff to
put in her car. I am a bit trapped there, irritated, bothered. (4)
• (Dream) I gave a man a key to my house so he could deliver something.
At some point I found he was shifty and not to be trusted and I tried to get my
key back but he refused. (107)
• Felt really good holding out my hand and say “No!”, I'm not going to
let you take advantage of me (I'm talking to the influenza). Feels powerful,
grounded. I know this is right thing for me.
What your reaction is, your deal, not mine. Setting healthy boundary.
(6)
Dependency, Deep connection, “Neediness, like the need to eat,”
• This neediness is like a true physical need like the need to eat. I
either had to get this need filled or cut off the need all together. (8)
• When I opened the remedy vial, it almost needs something,... Let me
out! They needed something to help them. (1)
• Had a strong feeling or fear at how fragile life, and love is. My beau
could just suddenly no longer desire me, and there is nothing I could do about
it. I will have to live with this
uncertainty the rest of my life. (4)
• Son is bugging me because he keeps asking if I love him and I see this
as needy. (8)
• Thought of my emotional and physical need for boyfriend as like a true
hunger; like when you don't eat for a day you are obsessed with it until you
can eat, that type of longing. In the
process of accepting this as a real need, even for someone my age. (13)
• Woke up with the song "I would walk 500 miles" from Men at
Work stuck in my head. "When I wake up, you know I want to be, I want to
be the man who wakes up next to you."
• (Dream) I was with my old good friend, and she was trying to get very
close to me. She tried to cuddle with me during a meeting, tried to kiss me,
etc. (5)
• There is this thing that is attached but not connected. It is now a
part of me. The knowledge that it is a part of me, but I am not in connect with
it right now (2)
• (Dream) I hugged her tightly and felt great love for her. It felt like
our hearts were very close and our souls were connecting at a very deep level,
beyond the parent-child relationship. (6)
• I went to a place of feeling I had connected to the Universal Breath.
We are all one. I felt the unity of everything in a way I had never experienced
before. I felt the client and me folded
into the universal breath. We are all one. We are all breathing
together. (9)
Protecting, “So I took care of him”
• (Dream) I found some guy who needed directions, and I took him to my
house. But then I was concerned that he wouldn't find his friends again (who
were down below). He seemed
clueless so I sort of took care of him even though he was a somewhat
unappealing guy. I didn't want him to wander off in the snow and get
hypothermia, which seemed not only possible
but likely. (3)
• (Dream) A little kid goes off in the woods: we must watch over him so
he doesn't get lost. (4)
• (Dream) I had a dream that I was sleeping in my (former) partner and
my room, and a dark human shape appeared in the window. The blinds were closed,
so all I saw was the dark
silhouette, but I was filled with fear, so I grabbed my partner under
the arms and dragged her out of the bed and into the hallway before the person
could burst through the window.
I tried to scream to warn the others in my house, but all that came out
were pathetic mumbles, because I was somehow still in a sleepy stupor (5)
• (Dream) My mother was climbing up high on some shelves, I was afraid
she would fall. She did fall, but I was able to catch her very effortlessly as
if she were a child. (6)
• (Dream) I am the cat. I and my husband are my parents who provided for
my education and physical well being, but were unable to prepare me for the
real world. They kept me protected
at home with little connection to the outside world except for school
and church. (10)
• (Dream) I didn’t want to freak anyone out but wanted to protect them
from the spiders. Afraid, but not freaking out. Calm. I need to keep calm so
they don’t freak out. Hide what was
really happening. No one could totally see it. (1)
• (Dream) Entering one cabin, we realize there is a man on the floor
behind the bed, and he seems to be with a woman. He hides from us and also
attempts to protect the identity of the
woman. (4)
• As if my guardian angel is maneuvering on my
behalf. Just happened upon a little tally I was keeping and made this
discovery. It makes me feel protected, watched over,
trusting in life and fate and serendipity. (4)
Ticks and Lymes
Small creatures, Primitive, “Like a spore” “Like a microbe”
• I see myself on Earth, like if there was like a spore, that came from
the ground, I keep looking up, out through the dirt, I see an ice-covered
mountain, I see many trees, I am on the ground.
I am real small. Like the size of a tiny fish eggs. There's a group of
these small creatures, there's not just one. (11)
• I am old and primitive in consciousness. (11)
• (Dreams) Spiders. Lots and lots of big spiders. They were in the
house. I can’t remember who’s house. In different people’s houses, but
familiar. Spider webs, big spiders in them. Nobody really
saw them. You can’t always quite see. Oh my god there’s another one! (1)
• Something deeper in your cells, or in your nerves, like a microbe (12)
Lymes disease, ticks
• It's deep, deep in the nerves. It's like innervated, in-the-nerves, it
feels like it's so, the essence of the nerves. Subatomic particles making
things up.
The nerves, those nerves that make the body want to move. But, the body
can't. It just is in the nerves. (12)
• Confinement, paralysis, deep nerve pain, nervous disorder, mind-body
disconnect. The body cannot act or move or function the way it normally does. I
feel a swaying like vertigo. There is a
vibration, a constant movement, but you cannot move, you have to crawl,
like crossing a vast expanse, you crawl along, because your legs are not doing
what you want them to do. (12)
• There is a coated, dragged-down, but slippery feeling, like the way a
heavy oil-sludge or wet clay coats things. The shame is a sick, hot sliding
feeling in my gut and along my arms and torso.
Like I am coated inside and out with this oily shame. (109)
• My eyes are closed two lung shaped connected images, yellow, orange,
red and blue, into a total bull's eye of pink. (2)
• A feeling of Northern Minnesota, but no boundaries, or even a map,
wind moving through water, something soft. Clouds with color,
being under water, clouds of color fade together and
then fade
apart. A constant motion. (2)
• The bottom half feels kind of dead, not much juice. Hiding, silent, in
the dark. Inactive. Hibernating? The top half feels more alive, but it, too is
reserved, withholding, not allowing full
expansion of the breath. (4)
• (Dream) Claws, in my hands. Dug into the palm, broken off. I feel no
pain, but how will I get them out? Is it like thorns, should I not try to pull
them out backwards, but ew! That would be
horrible to push them through. I turn my hand over and to my horror see
several points of claws coming thus all the way through my hand and out the
back. (4)
Want of confidence, Reproaching self, Desiring good opinion
Want of confidence, “A small childish feeling”
• A small childish feeling. Incapable. (12)
• Feeling like a loser (13)
• I felt embarrassed.
I felt like a child in a group of adults.
I felt defeated. I felt beaten. But I cannot put the blame on anyone in
the group.
There was one woman in the group who wrote comments on a copy of my
paper, but she would not share them with me. This whole situation added to my
sense of powerlessness. (10)
• Fear of doing something wrong.
I hope I am doing it right. I feel like I sound a little crazy. Not
enough. The fear of not being enough. Being small. (11)
• (Dream) Feeling not successful in attempts to do anything. Trying to
call to get somewhere, couldn't find number, try look it up, so much effort was
required. (6)
• [At my new job] I missed one,
I felt completely calm and confident, holding onto my own power.
There is a definitive line happening. I felt like I am realizing how
much I was lacking confidence before in my life.
Confidence, self-assurance, and powerful, quietly powerful; not lording
over others. (6)
Reproaching self, “Feeling like a disgrace,” shame and guilt
• Thought about "judgment" - is judgment about me judging
myself. (8)
• They take him to emergency. After testing, it's looking more like gall
stones than heart. I'm feeling like a disgrace as a homeopath. (9)
• [I didn’t have an event on my calendar]...Now I only have today to
pull this together. I am overcome with a debilitating sense of shame and
feelings of self-doubt. I can't believe I let this slip my mind this whole
month. I am certain that I am not qualified to teach these providers and that
after the presentation I will be publicly marked as something distasteful.
(109)
• I do not want betray partner. I want be with her and I don’t want
feelings for someone else... kind of guilty ... (5)
• In general I feel guilty for being obsessed with my boyfriend when I
should be more involved with my kids. (13)
Self disgust, “living in their own filth”
• (Dream) My sister tells me I have bad breath. Really bad breath. It
knocks you out from a couple feet away. She says it in a very matter-of -fact
way: with neither judgment nor compassion.
I am stunned by this. I had no idea. I can't believe no one else has
ever said anything or reacted to me as though I had bad breath. I begin to
think about what I need to do to get rid of or
counteract this stigma. It feels quite shameful. I feel like I can't be
walking around with this kind of bad breath. (9)
• State of being of the characters in show ‘Asylum,’ they just accept
they are living in their own filth all the time. (6)
• I worry about bothering my beau in the evenings with my coughing.
Worry about creeping him out, disgusting him, repulsing him with this
disease... how repulsive... surely this will kill our
love, will rebuff any impulse towards intimacy. Is this how a leper
feels? (4)
• (Dream) I'm in a basement, changing poopy
diapers on a black baby. Green watery poop, it's going everywhere...I don't
want to kiss her because she's been in the green poopy
water. (7)
Longing for good opinion of others, “Fearful that someone will
disapprove of me”
• Talking with my beau about visiting his various family members. For
the first time I feel an anxiety. Will they like me? (4)
• Tired of being fearful that someone will disapprove of me or not want
to be around me. (12)
• (Dream) I was recounting a story, and nobody was laughing. I knew it
was a good story, though. But then one of the seniors recounted a story, and
everyone laughed.
I was upset that people didn't like me, but they seemed to love him. (5)
• Exposing my private life of my relationships that go against social
norms; I could be judged negatively without being understood. (13)
• There might be something I want to express in some way but I can't
because I fear I will look ridiculous. (9)
• I enjoy writing about the New Moon and sending it out to my mailing
list. I received some nice comments in return which made me feel appreciated
and that it is important to continue my
writing. (10)
• I seem to have fallen out of favor with many
people. Part of me wants to get back into favor, and
another says that I shouldn't care about those uptight people. (106)
Haughty, “Astonished these women thought that much of me”
• (Dream) There are also piles of articles written about me; was I well
known? I could read them and be reminded of who I was, how I got to where I am
now (4)
• I am actually well-qualified and have been teaching groups of mental
health providers for years without this kind of problem (109)
• One of the women told me later that the woman who had recommended she
sign up for this program had said just the fact that I was one of the
co-facilitators made it worth it to go,...
Both those women are high-level corporate execs, and I was astonished to
hear this other person really thought that much of me, (4)
• This woman she is so egotistical, she will book an appointment for a
massage, and she won't tip. She wanted to trade me hour for hour for no equal
exchange of services. Her whole presence
is trying to bring down the establishment. (6)
Sensitivity, Extreme moods, Suddenly
Sensitivity, “I feel the sensitivity of the plant world,” vulnerability
• Vulnerable, whim of whatever universe throws at me. Feel delicate
instrument of feeling. I am violin-some instrument that can experience such low
notes that I never knew could come out of me. (6)
• Yet now, hours later, on writing about it, I feel sensations, a sensitivity
of the plant world. I am stuck, implanted in the ground, or on a rock or
whatever, and I am having an experience of intensity of sensation, of the
quality of how much I feel, how much I do not. Perhaps plants have more animal-ness, more qualities of existence to them than I have ever
noticed! (4)
• Very bothered by the volume on the TV last night. Staying with my
business partner and her husband. Loud surround sound. Went to bed feeling a
bit sick and out of sorts. (3)
• I used to feel like people were doing stuff to me, attacking me,
writing a mean note about me, I do not need to get involved, I don’t have to be
infected by it, or affected by it. I am not as sensitive.
I have a thicker skin. (6)
• The feeling of not being agitated or annoyed at son by the noise of
the play with the car. This has not been the case for a long time. (8) (Healed
symptom)
Extreme moods, “Am I bipolar?”
• So up and down. Am I bipolar? One day so good, then next so tired.
Even minute by minute ... Extreme highs and lows mentally. (6)
• A huge polarity theme... extremes, like extreme exhaustion and tired
and so thrilled and excited about my life. Moods changing. Confused. (6)
• I felt empowered after two days of being down in the dumps. (10)
• Having a tough day at work. I really want to stop this proving, I
really want to stop everything...What happened to my Buddha-like stillness and
equanimity! (4)
• This misunderstanding is really shaking us, and I hardly recognize myself
in the intensity of my reactions. I can be emotional and expressive of my
emotions (4)
Suddenly, “All of a sudden!”
• With the remedy, I felt as though I suddenly have limbs, a hand. (11)
• And then, from behind me, his mom shrieked and came crashing into the
water and grabbed him and he started crying and she yelled at me...he might
have drowned!! Why didn't you say
something!? I remember that I started crying and I was scared that she
yelled at me. I felt abused by her. It happened so fast that I didn't even have
a chance to see that something was wrong.
I didn't even know that some thing was wrong. The panic is from
then...it's the same feeling as I felt then. That I need to take every
situation and be able to evaluate it for danger... (7)
• (Dream) Like nuclear bombs, the end. Everything was gone, it was the
end of life as we knew it. We were watching this big atomic bomb blowing up in
one of the dreams. (5)
• Frantic feeling. Like something has to be done, urgency with no
direction. (12)
• Suddenly, I cannot stop laughing and this is getting scary. (109)
• I suddenly feel angry with Master Prover for
no reason. (109)
• Since taking the substance, I will be eating and suddenly my food
doesn't appeal to me. (9)
• Thinking of water, boiling water... It turns into steam, Whoa! It’s
the same thing. I feel like, there’s a point when things change. When it’s
boiling water, it’s boiling water, all of the sudden it’s
gone. It’s instantaneous. (1)
• Need to realize that's what my life is-as human that's my experience,
things could change so quick. My life normal then suddenly complete hell. (6)
• All of a sudden he's buying rental properties. All of a sudden, I'm
ready to do it, start living where I want to be. Things seem clear, simple,
uncomplicated. (6)
• And then I remember, with a shock - when I got hit by a car at
15-years old. The car hit me in that spot; on my right hip. (7)
Anxiety General sense of fear, anxiety, “a frantic feeling,” “what is
going to happen next?”
• Shock, perspiration, stunned, white noise or ringing in the ears, in a
daze, fog, at a turning point, on a precipice. Powerless and terrified at what
may happen any moment. (4)
• Feeling really anxious this morning. Uncomfortable. Very on edge.
Feeling in sternum of "what could happen." (6)
• Episodes where super nervous. Fear of being attacked was coming up so
strongly.
Wanted husband to come home. So terrifying it
takes over my body and almost panic attack.
Mostly happens in evening, between 18 – 20 h. If kids are here, I'm fine.
Just need someone else there. About being alone. (6)
• I just felt panic when I woke up. What's going to happen next?
Everything feels so uncertain to me right now. (7)
• Doing a proving feels scary and risky. (9)
• Fear of doing something wrong. I hope I am doing it right. I feel like
I sound a little crazy. Not enough. The fear of not being enough. Being small.
Old childhood issues, never enough. (11)
• Survival, the pace of my heart is rapid, like an intensity, something
urgent that I've got to do. Actually no. But the heartbeat is so intense. It
takes a lot to settle down... This produces this
anxiety, with urgency, there is a kind of urgency to it and yet there is
nothing to do about it. (2)
• Frantic feeling. Like something has to be done, urgency with no
direction. (12)
• I feel very closed-off and exhausted. As if I have been flinching hard
for hours, waiting for something to hit and hoping it misses me. (108)
Fear A sense of evil, “I am terrified things are lurking”
• (Dream) I was being pursued by an evil force. There was a mask that
was enchanted with evil and I was trying to get rid of it, but could not. I
felt scared that it would get me. It was a dread, a
feeling that it knew more than me and would get me. (6)
• Again, when I got up, it looked like a short woman was leaning over
the back of my desk chair. Also, for a moment, the stuff in the room seemed to
move: the table was sliding, and a towel left
on my desk chair appeared to rise for a second. I was scared, scared
that there might be something or someone in the shadows, and I was afraid that
I might imagine something in the
room coming to life and rushing at me, to attack. (5)
• (Dream) The feeling underneath my dreams seems to be panic, shock,
surprise, fear. I feel terror someone is going to sneak up behind me and get
me. (7)
• Experiencing a sense of evil at night quite active and paranoid. (5)
• I am terrified things are lurking, if I cling to the light or material
world I will be safer, even the phone, even excess, this the world I want to
deal no w, I don’t want to deal with the spiritual now,
it’s not my belief system, last night I didn’t want to deal with what’s
beyond... (5)
• In general, I have been very scared of the dark, of evil forces, of
monsters and robbers and evil people coming after me. I have this fear in
general, but it is quite present whenever I am
walking in a dark space, or walking up the stairs, or especially when I
am walking outside in the early morning (4 h.) to get to my job. (5)
• (Dream) Evil people, evil deeds. I feel like a participant but one who
is a sort of observer, lucid, seeing clearly what's happening but not
panicking, looking for loopholes and cautiously moving in
a way that will extricate me. my chest feels rest rained, suffocative,
as if it has been clenched and twisted, held close. I don't want to write any
more about this, it is too unpleasant! (4)
Fear of disease, “This lump might be cancer,” “Am I having heart attack
symptoms?”
• I am thinking about how this throat lump is not going away again and
the slight fear that it could be cancer. (8)
• Soon after starting proving, I became convinced I had breast cancer
and proceeded to tell everyone this fear. (110)
• Am I having heart attack symptoms? Is this the proving substance? Is
it because my boyfriend said he doesn't want to see me? (7)
• Doing a proving feels scary and risky, but I don't see my self as
sensitive as others. The prover I supervised in the
past had scary chest and heart symptoms. That's scary. (9)
• I am incredibly worried about my husband and the little calico cat. I
am unreasonably afraid I will lose them both. I am deep in the shame of not
finding a remedy that helps the bloody
diarrhea and gut pains. I fear they will
bleed out without my knowing it and I will be without these creatures I love so
deeply. (109)
• Odd spots, ... on my right foreleg, sure it is some effect of my
untreated diabetes and I will die. Have been already having a fear of what
might happen, but it feels more desperate today.
I must make myself care for this!! (3)
Nightmares, “Really scared someone will come in and kill me”
• (Dream) Upon arrival, we found that our home had actually been broken
into while we were away. Though the door had been left unlocked, it appears
that the people had broken in through
a window. My housemate saw blood on the window. I couldn't see it. There
was a feeling that we should be quiet in case they were still in the house, so
I stepped out the front door with my
phone to call the police. My phone was so slow. I went to the neighbor's house and asked her to call the police for me.
My phone was not responding quickly enough. (2)
• In the night, evil rules. Everything about the night was horrifying. I
woke up screaming. Dream of a dark figure outside my room. I wake I see this
figure about to come in. I scream for
everyone. It's going to jump thru the window. I was horrified. I was
moaning in my dream. I couldn't express. I couldn't warn everyone. My voice
would not come out. I could barely move. (5)
• This morning really scared someone will come in and kill me. I really
need to do something about this, if someone would break in and rape me, it
would be relieving because it is the
culmination of all my worry, would all be over (6)
• (Dream) I had a dream that I was walking my dog in front of a super
store and a security guard came out and asked if I wanted a treat for my dog. I
smiled and accepted. Then, he followed us
and asked if I wanted another treat. I was more reluctant this time
because it was a bagel he was offering. When he gave me the bagel, I became
suspicious of him because he was moving very
close to me. Finally he asked if I wanted a third treat. He was clearly
using this as an excuse to follow us, so I was scared at this point and put my
dog behind me. He was very close, and I knew
he was going to attack, so I grabbed what looked like his gun and
pointed it at him. He was not scared; apparently it was a tranquilizer gun.
Before I could shot, he took out another tranquilizer
gun and shot me. I started feeling woozy. I shot him, but as he started
to fade, he said to me, "it doesn't matter". He pulled out a massive
knife, raised it above his head, and plunged it down into
my neck. I froze, believing that this was the end. I woke up and was
terrified. My dog was sleeping next to me and I grabbed him. I did not want to
look around because I thought there
might be someone in the room. It was a horrifying dream. (5)
• (Dream) Then we are all in a sort of auditorium, and these evil people
are going to kill a few of us, in front of us all, like a performance with a
shocking conclusion. On the stage, two people are
attached to ropes, like a clothesline, and then suddenly dropped so they
are hung, choked. Is this real, is this actually happening? (4)
Suspicious, “I don’t want the government watching me”
• I don't want the government watching me. (5)
• Apart of these massive powers that can crush anyone. He can do anything.
He was so powerful. It seemed sexual. When people are completely surrendering,
it's very dangerous for these people. (5)
• I don't want to write about my personal life in this journal. Don't
want to be vulnerable like people have a piece of you if they know. All these
people in our community involved in situations-
so muddled together. (5)
• I do have fears about boyfriend’s authenticity, which creeps up when I
can't be with him in person. He's asking me to work with him in a way that
involves me trusting him in a very serious
way. I am thinking about how I trust people and how this trust issue is
with me. I think trust is hard for me. (13)
• I know that I am not being excluded or left out, and yet I have the
delusion that I am going to be. I feel very suspicious and confused because of
it. (11)
Desire to escape, “All of sudden I felt like going under the covers,
escaping”
• Very sudden. I don’t know how this came on, but I was drinking milk
and all of a sudden I felt like going under the covers, lying down, escaping.
(5)
• It was extremely terrifying, I wanted to curl up and not see what was
coming, rather not see what’s out there, scary, want close up, grab my do g or
brother, whatever is close to me ... in the
dream never thought about fighting back just terrified running away. (5)
• I want to stay in basement now that I fixed it up. Huddle under a
blanket. Like a little apartment. So safe. Rest of house exposed - windows
people can see in. Down here only glass block
windows, fireplace, bathroom right there. Everything we need. I love a
nice apartment where others around-so safe. Don't like being in house alone.
(6)
• It feels like a turning inward in a hiding kind of way. (9)
• (Dream) Dreamt I was quitting school to work in a car wash with my boyfriend.
(2)
Forsaken, “I wish I had a mother,” “I am all alone doing so much”
• I just cry while I'm getting ready for work. I wish I had a mother. I
wish I had a home. Home means enveloped with love. Mother means that too. (7)
• This feeling of being left out has been with me all of my life.
However, during this proving it is much exacerbated. I know that I am not being
excluded or left out, and yet I have the delusion
that I am going to be. I feel very suspicious and confused because of
it. (11)
• Tired of being fearful that someone will disapprove of me or not want
to be around me. (12)
• This was a hard experience, no one wanted to connect, no one ever
really wanted to talk... (5)
• I have been crying easily. It all just seems so much and so sad. Like
I have no connection to anything. I am all alone doing so much, and even though
my boyfriend wants to help and is
trying, there is no way that anything he can do will make this all go
more smoothly. (106)
• It is becoming really clear to me that I don't feel like anyone helps
me and that everyone falls through on their promises. (106)
• (Dream) It makes me want to stop having sex with him, but I'm afraid
of what will happen if I do. Will he leave me? Will he go be with someone else?
How would it feel if he did? I would be so
devastated...it would be a breaking of our relationship. (7)
Denied entry, “I was on the public ‘no’ list”
• (Dream) Dreamt about the coaching school I work for. I was on the
public "no" list for two different things (not something we actually
do) and I confronted the head of staff, who wouldn't tell me why
at first but finally told me it was because I was more authentic about
my mom since she died, than I had been when she was alive. (3)
• (Dream) With my husband. He didn't want me around. I was so hurt.
Feeling of misunderstood and accused... Everyone was against me unfairly. (6)
• (Dream) This feels like an orphan thing. I want to fit in, but I don't
and somehow someone might be able to look at me and say, "Hey, you don't
belong here!", and then kick me out. (7)
• (Dream) My siblings are going to discuss something but keep it hidden
from me. I become irate... I felt very angry about being left out. (11)
• (Dream) They told us we could not pass. I said, OK, we'll go around,
but there was no other way. (5)
• I am going to back out on you just when you need me the most. It's
because I am unstable. I am not going to care about everyone else's dreams and
wants and feelings so much anymore. I am
unstable because I need to figure out what I want. (7)
• This feeling of being left out has been with me all of my life.
However, during this proving it is much exacerbated. (11)
Breaking relationships, “My partner and I broke up”
• I saw her tonight and she wouldn't look at me when she talked. I don't
need this silent treatment. I deserve better in friendships. She has so much
drama-how can she love me like she says she does but then do these cruel
things? Selfish. So I broke off our friendship via e-mail. I have no regrets at
all. (106)
• My partner and I broke up tonight. It hurts, aches, in my heart. I
feel empty, voraciously hungry, but then I ate some chicken and did not feel
better. I was hungry again. I realized it was
an emptiness food could not fill. (5)
• Lot [of thoughts] about the way I handled the "break up"
with my friend. Was I overreacting? I wasn't very fair; I should have at least
tried to call her. I am pretty sure she wouldn't have answered anyway. Part of
me wishes I had called her and she didn't answer just so I have more ammo
against her; more justification of why she is a bad friend. (106)
Emptiness, “I feel empty and alone”
• Upon reflection there is a sense of emptiness, loss, and separation
(10)
• I feel somber, melancholy, like my life
force has been drained and I am out on the tundra, frozen, seemingly alone,
with the cold dark dry wind blowing over me, into oblivion.
Without my partner, I feel empty and alone, so intensely distant and
lacking intimacy and touch. (5)
• I have to admit that I have a need for partner's love, feeling content
with love and without physical love. (13)
• Feeling empty, there is nobody there. Alone. Feeling full, people
care, I want to be with you and participate and support you. Lots of attention.
(7)
Sadness and despair
Sadness, “There is a reservoir of disappointment in my chest”
• Woke up feeling empty, sad. Like there is a reservoir of
disappointment in my chest. Vast unhappiness. (7)
• Feelings of lethargy and apathy which led me to contemplate the
differences between depression, repression, and suppression. Depression is
associated with feelings of sadness which disassociate one from normal
functions and activities. Repression is unconscious acknowledgement of
feelings. Suppression is conscious effort to deny feelings. (10)
• I am almost depressed, feeling weary, had a difficult conversation
with my beau and feel like all the sparkle has gone out of my life. I know I'm
exaggerating, playing Sarah Bernhardt again, but I feel like giving up. The
world seems dull, lifeless, pointless. It feels like way too much effort to
really connect with people. I want to crawl in a hole and read a zillion books.
I am adrift, with no ambition or energy to invest in anything. (4)
Despair, “I feel despairing about my life”
• Having a tough day at work. I really want to stop this proving ,... I
feel despairing about my life. It feels insurmountable. (4)
• (Dream) I'm a bad speller and someone says that means I'm not alive.
Like I'm not trying hard enough, so I don't get to consider myself as living.
More despair, is this really the way life is? (7)
• Watching Asylum-seems like "why would you make show about people
being tortured" so awful. Live my whole life trying to not realize that or
fool myself that that's not an aspect of what humans
are doing to each other. Feeling of-living on this facade or something.
Everything could fall apart and we'd be like animals to each other. What
is keeping us from acting like that? So easy to slip into collapse of society
and civilization. People torturing each other and living in
horror. Have to be okay with that. Need to realize that's what my life
is-as human that's my experience, things could change so quick. My life normal...
then suddenly complete hell. (6)
• (Dreams) They took the books, my favorites
from over the years. Only my favorites! That's all I
had kept, and I had been so specific about choosing only the best, the favorites, the most sentimental.
And even as I recognized that it was only things, I was feeling such
deep devastation about, I could not seem to let it go. I then realized that
they'd left my wallet, my money. It felt as if my deepest sadness was for what
could not be replaced. I was so sad! (2)
Anger, “The anger is hot”, “I want to kick him, throw him against the
wall”
• The anger is hot. Fierce. Saying mean things to hurt. Strike out and
get 'me. I would say things just to get you. But that's what I really want to
do. I always want to do it but you feel like a total jerk when you do. I've
broken windows, kicked doors off hinges. I've done violent things in anger. You
need to see me, hear me. I'm going to the extreme to make myself seen. (7)
• Pissed off, actually angry and irritated at our cat, who is refusing
to eat this organic home-made food we got for him. I want to kick him, throw
him against a wall, hit him, smash him down,
into submission, into blind obedience to what we want him to do. (4)
• I suddenly feel angry with Master Prover for
no reason.
Rageful. Want to poke Master Prover in the nose! (108)
• The itching is so intense, I cannot get back to sleep. There's a
feeling of desperation as I itch and scratch, scratch and itch, wanting to
remove that part of my face. Just take this skin off! It takes great restraint
not to dig my nails into the itchiness with a fierceness!! (2)
• I wanted to slap someone, I was frustrated at how the obvious video
was, that was the capper on it all (3)
• Before I would have bit back, emailed her. (6)
Striking, Kicking, “He pulled out a massive knife,” “I need to strike”
• I found myself wanting to poke people with my hand, or jab them. I
even play-slashed my friend across the arm, harder than I usually would. I feel
playful. (5)
• I get mad and want to kick things. I actually have been kicking
things... ...parking meters, equipment at the gym, pounding on my steering
wheel. I need to express my anger through a physical expression. It makes me
feel better. Like I need to strike. (7)
• (Dream) He pulled out a massive knife, raised it above his head, and
plunged it down into my neck.
The knife finished it, but he had me before the knife. I was stuck, I
could not move. I was vulnerable. He was sucking me out. He was evil. (5)
• Husband reports having bloody diarrhea with
knife-like pains in lower abdomen. (109)
Battles, War, Fighting , “I can’t win this war with him”
• I feel so worn out, defeated. I can't win this war with him. (7)
• My brain is split. I have a rational, logical brain and an emotional
brain and they are at war. My rational, logical brain has won most of the
battles in my life, but now my emotional brain fights back. (8)
• The battle of good and evil, intense and dark, coming at me... (5)
• (Dream) Very competitive dreams.... It is like I am fighting for my
life. (11)
• Have to talk in code. I don't want to be the target of a little war
between whoever. (6)
• (Dream) Dream was about someone was going to bomb us. (1)
• (Dream) I was in some nursing home with a bunch of other people... We
were looking out the window towards the north when we saw a massive explosion,
blinding light, and a huge mushroom cloud.
It was a big nuclear bomb. (5)
Irritation, “crabby”
• Feel like conversations with my housemate are met with disagreeable
energy. It feels like anything I say, she argues it. (2)
• Crabby and unhopeful about life in general. (3)
• Been direct, not much of a mask thing, either bit irritable or lots
warm fuzzy. (5)
• I am irritated that I let the dentist mess with my crown ... Ever
since he fixed it I've had problems with it. I am irritate with my self for
letting him fix it even though I had no problems with it. (9)
• Client sent me a YouTube video to watch ... He is proposing (as
breakthrough thinking) that putting other people's needs ahead of our own some
times is what leadership is about. Only a
man would think this is noteworthy, and only a man would get attention
for writing this book or talking about it. I am feeling very disgusted. (3)
Secretive, “I’m proving but my partner doesn’t know”
• I’m proving but my partner doesn’t know that I’m taking it. (5)
• I don't want to write about my personal life in this journal. Don't
want to be vulnerable like people have a piece of you if they know. (6)
• It is very private, don't normally share anything like this with
anyone. I probably didn't need to share is not about the proving. it is
extremely revealing and I am normally unrevealing with my friends. (13)
• In this situation, I feel forced to lie and I hate lying because I am
inherently honest and I feel dishonorable. (13)
• (Dream) I'm involved in some conspiracy with the first lady of the
United States and if anyone finds out about the conspiracy there will be dire
consequences for her. Her security is all around her all the time, but they are
not on her side, not there to protect her but to watch her instead. To look for
mistakes or find out the details of the thing she's hiding. (7)
• The word 'camouflage' came into my mind. (7)
• (Dream) Entering one cabin, we realize there is a man on the floor
behind the bed, and he seems to be with a woman. He hides from us and also
attempts to protect the identity of the woman. (4)
Confusion, “Brain-mud all day”, “a struggle to clarify”, forgetting,
mistakes
• (Dream) I was trying to set a huge table very formally, and it was
taking forever because I kept doing it wrong. (3)
• Brain-mud all day... I feel like I am thinking through wet spring
clay...I feel like I am moving through thick, heavy mud. (108)
• Confusion. I feel really confused by this process. What is mine? What
is the substance? It is blurry, but it has a structure to it. I am frustrated I
am supposed to be able to describe this. I don't think I can describe this. (2)
• Managed to get a blog post written, but it was a bit of a struggle to
clarify what I was thinking and took longer than usual. (3)
• Loss of words. Mental fog. Wanting to say something but unable to
think of what I want to say. (5)
• Staring at my prover as she sits and thinks
about remedy. My eyes glaze over. (103)
• Because I was in such a hurry I did not proof it very well. It turned
out to be a disaster, filled with mistakes. (10)
• I forgot my phone in my Dad’s car. I have been forgetting or losing
everything lately: wallet, insurance card, now phone. It is irking me. (5)
• Editing proving journals for spelling errors. I have a lot of words
spelled wrong (106)
Surreal, “Am I really doing this?” “Not sure what is real and made up”
• There is this surreal am I really doing this? Oh my goodness, what did
I do? As if I don't have enough going on in my life. (2)
• I feel like a child creating a theatrical production for her parents
and relatives where she is encouraged to use her imagination, but she finds
herself afloat in it, not quite sure what is real and what is made up, no one
to bounce things off of, no way to confirm the existence of what she imagines,
or even to anchor the imagining, the felt sense through another to give it
form. (4)
• (Dream) I had so much to do-working for a non-profit, going to school,
and was trying to figure out my schedule. I couldn't figure out where I was
supposed to be. It felt unreal... (106)
• I feel like I am making things up or reporting stuff that's not really
related to the proving. (9)
Piercingly focused, hyper-focused
• Meeting friends socially, sitting at a table, feeling piercingly
focused on whomever was speaking at any given moment, felt as if my eyes could
see only one at a time. (2)
• It is weird to be so hyper-focused on myself. Normally things come and
go. (9)
• Having a great day. Very focused. Very busy. Haven't felt this vibrant
in the past four years. This is very noticeable. I hope it lasts (108)
Money and Greed: Money, Greed, Stealing, “We were all quite wealthy”
• (Dream) I am buying a very expensive coat and shoes. I am spending
lots of money. I feel completely out of control. (11)
• (Dream) I found a wallet with British pounds in it that I had put
aside from a previous trip and there were a lot of them -- like over 1000
pounds total. (3)
• (Dream) We were quite wealthy, it seemed. (5)
• (Dream) I was waiting for some supplies to come on the light rail, and
I was going to run on the train, grab the stuff and get off. (5)
• (Dream) She was my friend, she had stolen all of this stuff from
Banana Republic. I was proud of her-she rolled it all in a newspaper. Very
clever, she's such a good thief. Thought-is it okay?
Yes, it is. Because of the cleverness of it. She was talking to them
when the police were there about who could have done it. I felt really
justified an d wanted to give her some sort of prize. (6)
Addiction
• I went to a medium. He began to talk about my dad and his addiction
and addiction in my family. (12)
• Been dying to play rook the last two nights, addicted, urge, need to
play cards, begging people to play, intense, weird last couple of days wanting
to do, very peculiar. (5)
• Sick kind of, watching American Horror Story about Asylum from 1960.
It is gross and creepy. Feel sick from watching it. Addictive. (6)
Laughing, excited, dancing, sex
Laughing, “Dancing like Beyoncé,” “I am
laughing again and cannot stop”
• Cheerful, random giggles. (5)
• I am laughing at pictures a lot. Normally it's hard for me to laugh.
(8)
• Hysteria. Husband is home from work surprisingly early. We are in high
spirits. He is making jokes and I am laughing. Suddenly, I cannot stop laughing
and this is getting scary. I am out of
control and I feel my hysterical laughter turning to hysterical tears. I
am crying and cannot catch my breath.
Then I am laughing again and cannot stop. I feel I will suffocate
because I am laughing and crying at the same time and cannot breathe. It is
like having the breath knocked out of me, or perhaps more like drawn out of me
in hard jerks. I am not sad, and nothing is funny, but I can't stop this
spasmodic crying and laughing.
I am thinking 'oh how stupid to die like this when the proving hasn't
even started yet.' Everything suddenly stops and I settle down. (109)
• I saw people my age dancing. I though they looked ridiculous, but I
had the impulse to dance too. (9)
• (Dream) I was on stage dancing like Beyoncé
with another woman. (106)
• A little spurt of energy late afternoon, started dancing around the room,
humming songs, playing, pretending to tap dance. (4)
• Caught myself whistling an old '50s tune, my friend says it's a Danny
Kaye song from some musical. I have no idea what it is or how it popped into my
head. It makes me feel cheerful, peppy. Like all's right with the world. (4)
• I am getting really excited talking about this book! (9)
• It made me excited to take the remedy. I feel so elated! Just so happy
to be on the planet today! (7)
Sexual, “She had sex in this car and remains forever guilty”
• Thoughts of how exhibitionism would be received in a homeopathy class,
since the atmosphere is so different from public spaces. For example, what
would the class do if I flashed them? (5)
• I am getting a bit anxious and libido is a bit too intense (8)
• I had some imagination of what sex would look like with a guy, a
friend from work with spend time with him; moving back to point where feel like
I don’t have to be straight. (5)
• There is this car, as a teenager she had sex in this car and she
remains forever guilty. Guilt and shame, you are wrong. You are not enough.
You are caught in a downward shame
spiral. You are stuck, ashamed. Shame is locked in you. (11)
• (Dream) While dancing I felt strong and sexy, but after the show, no
one really seemed to notice anymore. (106)
Vorwort/Suche.x Zeichen/Abkürzungen Impressum